[REQUEST] A Gamgee Save

At this point, I don’t know where to get the strength any more to fend off detractors, traitors, unnecessarily cruel people, or even just carry on with the business of surviving.  I feel like Frodo as he was when he was nearing Mount Doom, after he had gone through all the trials and tribulations Mordor had to offer, doing his best to fend off getting engulfed in the evil that was Sauron.

My heart is empty and stone cold.  After years of forgiving and giving second chances to these worthless cretins, I have no more compassion for those who do not learn their lessons despite my patience and tolerance.

I need a Samwise Gamgee to carry me the rest of the way.  I am about ready to fold in exhaustion, each day facing the world with my resting bitch face, worried, anxious and joyless.

I don’t know what else is being asked of me.  I’ve done what I could to help people evolve, sometime dishing out challenges for them where I was the one who inevitably ended up hurt and pained whenever they failed. I’ve accepted my lowly station in life as compared to my colleagues and peers without resentment or envy as much as possible, making do with what I have, earning my keep quantum meruit, and living within my means.

Whenever I ask my guides, or have someone else equally gifted ask theirs about my lot in life, the prospects are good.  After long years of waiting, it seems as though I would be reunited with my one true love, and that I would live in happiness and abundance.  Even when I’ve felt so down, the answers are still the same.  Whether I ask for a direct intuitive answer from my guides or if I use my tarot cards, still, the same answers.

What am I to make of that?

I honestly don’t know.  I’m scheduling stuff for the future.  Telling folks I’m going to this or that event, only for the heck of having something scheduled.  I don’t actually know if I’m going to make it.  I do what I’m tasked to do, but most of the time, when I find myself alone, I’m practically desolate and catatonic.  I don’t know what to do any more.

The cretins can go ahead and dig the holes of their own making deeper.  I’m done.  Still not mad at God or the Universe.  If this is what they have for me, then, that’s that, I guess.  In a world full of billions of people, I’m just a speck anyway.  Makes me kind of wish I was a special snowflake, but I’m not.  I just wish I had the joie de vivre that I had when I was much younger and hopeful, and filled with prospects of a future with love.  I just wish that I could tell everyone that it does happen, dreams do get fulfilled no matter how much tribulations you go through, and that it’ll all be worth it in the end.  I just wish that I could be a living testament to manifestation of my heart’s desires; that when I tell others to believe, it will not be empty words.

I’m tired.  I’m beaten.  I’ve never felt so much resignation as I do now.  I don’t know what will change this.  Only a miracle at this point, I presume.

Samwise Gamgee, where art thou?

The Message

Been having a difficult time lately.  I was faced with a test wherein I had to pick between quick and easy hedonism or bask in uncertainty while waiting for my true love.  Even if I had asked for guidance from the cards what I should do or whether or not my path would change if I picked one or the other, no answers were forthcoming.  At best, the answer was that it was up to me.

Then I remembered, because I no longer had no relationships to which I was karmically bound, free will was my gift in this lifetime.  At least from the time that the Karmic Board absolved me from the ones I had before, but that dealt with family and not romantic relationships.

So I had to choose, and choose, I did.  I forewent the easy, thinking that my reward would just be waiting around the corner, ready for me to collect.  Still, no appearance; no whisper of his existence; nothing that would assure me that I was still alive in his consciousness as much as he was in mine.

I’d been going through the days dragging my heart which felt like it was anchored to the soles of my feet.  It was as if I’d run out of questions, but instead had an answer I didn’t like — that I would go through the rest of my days heartbroken, penniless and pining for the man I loved.  That wasn’t something to look forward to.

Yes, I had waited.  Yes, I tried to be patient as much as I could.  Yes, I forgave him.   But for what?  For him to be a no show?  I wasn’t doing this for credit in the afterlife.  I wanted to be united with him in the third dimension, not the fifth.  And if it wasn’t to be so, was I just waiting for death then?  Because life seemed bleak.  Anything else was a consolation prize.  And if we have free will in this lifetime, I used it and chose him.  There isn’t much free will to exercise when you don’t have much of a choice, do you?

It was driving on my way home that I got the message.  I found myself in traffic behind a car that had a plate number that began with WOE.  And I thought to myself, well, yeah, that’s pretty much what was in store for me.  But atop that was another part of the message — the brand of the car was “Mirage”.  And somehow, I felt it clearly that my guides were telling me that all my woe at the moment is merely a mirage.  That it was a divinely inspired message was also confirmed by the song playing on the radio at that particular moment — “Am I Wrong?”.

Still, I had my doubts what the message meant, so I decided to ask my guides another question while driving on my way home.  I asked what would happen to my relationship with “him”.

The words that popped up through the signs along the way were these:  Security, House, Express service, Civil service, “Bawal Magkasakit” (which means I should worry myself sick, in the vernacular).

I’m not sure if there was anything else because I was close to my destination already, and my mind shifted to the errands I had to run.

It was a message that gave me hope, and made my heart feel a little lighter, but until I actually hear from him what he wants from me, or if I hear from him at all, all these are merely delusions of a heartbroken person.

I sincerely hope redemption is forthcoming.