Monthly Archives: May 2015

Exam Proctor


I think I understand better my role now.

Before, I thought that I was the designated sacrificial lamb.  It was a couple of years later that I understood what kind of cog I was in the grand machine of this third dimension.  It was through me that other people learned their lessons.  Most of the time, though, it would be at great personal cost.  Either I’d lose friends, leave cherished situations, break up with lovers.

Just recently, after a falling out with a BFF, I’ve had an epiphany about this role I play. No, I’m not the test; I’m not the lesson.  I am, however, the proctor.

By being myself and going about my every day life with purity of intent and an honesty endemic to my starseed roots, I realized that I am actually the proctor.  I give out the exams that other humans take to evolve into a higher level.

Sometimes they pass.  Most of the time, they don’t.  But tweaking my perception about this has lessened the hurt and heartache that often comes with the “end of the exam” which feels exactly like what a proctor does — he collects your papers, thanks you for taking the time, and wishes you the best.  Like a real life proctor, you’re together with your examinees for a short period of time, but when that time is over, then the reason you’re together in the first place isn’t there anymore.

Took me nearly 40 years to realize that.

And it helps, in a way, because I don’t take things personally.  If I am in your life, no matter if it’s just in the periphery, I’m there for a reason — you’re going to take a test.

I’m not the one who grades it, but being in the privileged position of proctor makes me one that’s “in the know”.  I can tell if you’ve passed an exam or you’ve failed.

It’s disappointing, of course, when someone doesn’t make it.  Take my most recent BFF, for example.  She knew about this divine aspect of me, and yet, she Istill went ahead and did me wrong.  I won’t go into details, but I will say this — the test was about humility and patience.  I tend to bring out hubris, pride, envy, and insecurity in people, even when I have no ill-intentions towards them and support them in whatever their endeavors are.  The test is to see if you can rise above those very human emotions and see what’s truly there when your vision isn’t clouded by your failings.

This girl was actually very nice.  I wish she’d do something to make things right.  For her sake.