Monthly Archives: March 2017

Wobbly

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First off, I apologize for the choppy post.  It’s past midnight and I took a sleeping pill since I need to wake up early tomorrow.

I got some much needed guidance from Jen today.  I actually felt the blocks in my heart clear and get the energy flowing again.

Turns out, my dream about D was important.  Jen said that even my TF’s kids were part of my soul group, and by him “paying his respects” — gosh, I need to change that phrase because that makes me sound like I’m dead — okay, “courtesy call” then, it was an acknowledgement that I was welcome in our soul group.  And, of course, it had to be D, who is a mama’s boy and is naturally opposed to my presence.

Basically, they’re still together, no emotional connection, but more like brother and sister.  However, between this Equinox and this — I forgot the term because really, since we only have two seasons where I live, all the changing seasons thing is actually irrelevant to my existence.  It’s just either sunny or raining. Anyway, whatever it was, it’s going to happen on May 1 — which, to me, is simply Labor Day. That period though — March 20 to May 1 — is set to be a big wave of awakening and recognition of the Divine Masculine of their Divine Feminine counterparts.

If I don’t stabilize in 5D, then he’s not going to “recognize” me.  Jen said I was wobbly right now, which was okay because we get that way sometimes.  I said that much of my frustration was because I was already that way BEFORE the fucking session.  In any case, all water under the bridge.  In order to stabilize in 5D, I have to be in the present, in the NOW and just continue to be thankful — be in a state of gratitude — no matter what 3D presents to me. She said that I had to take the lead because I am the Divine Feminine.  And, really, I should listen to my own readings because that’s exactly what I said also to the collective.

I did tell her about the fire in one of the malls that my TF designed.  And she said that that was an important sign as well.  Their egos are being dissolved by fire, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.  And, again, I said that too in my reading for this week which means I should listen to myself more, lol. She even told me to tell that to the collective and I said that I already did.

As regards the remaining 30% ancestral healing that needs to be done, Jen said that I didn’t need to clear anything anymore; that I had already cleared so much it was unbelievable. And of course, I told her about Linamarie, and she asked if she was a Twin Flame. I said I did see her in other TF boards but since I wasn’t active myself because I was hecka busy, I didn’t really know her.  She was just recommended and I did enjoy my first session with her, so I went for a second.

And, once again, I got advised that I need to get readings from people who vibrate higher than I do. This is the part where the eye-roll comes in. The thing is, I don’t know that until after I get the read.

And since I was pesky and needed validation, I asked her if she was sure that I didn’t need to clear anything anymore.  And she asked me what resonated with me more, her version or Linamarie’s?  I told her that I had already cut karmic cords with my family around three years ago and I was even given a promotion by the karmic board with that crown that they gave me.  And anything that I did after that was already my free will.  I could choose to leave and let them live out the consequences of not spiritually evolving, but I chose to stay.  And I felt that with my presence alone, they are improving and making better choices.

So there.  That’s that.  At least, a huge thorn has been lifted off my chest as regards that ancestral healing thing.

I told Jen that I kind of slid back into 3D mode and went into retail therapy to comfort myself and just kept buying bags.  I think my bag buying spree is over now.  I’m ready to go back to my “other Facebook”. With the exception of those bags that I didn’t quite like when it got to me, the rest are going to be part of my other line of business.

Okay, that’s it.  I need sleep.  Lots of work tomorrow.

 

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And I’m Dreaming of You Tonight

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Strange dream after watching (and not finishing) Castaway.  Working on something for the office and so I just picked a movie to play in the background but not really watch.

Well, the entire thing reminded me of my Twin Flame journey.  And the tears kept coming, my chest was hurting, and I didn’t get to sleep until it was about 6am.   And I was wondering if, like in the movie, I should just let him go, or like in Hancock, another movie, I should just try to be happy here with someone else.

When I did get to sleep, I had this strange dream.   I dreamt that I was in the US at my relatives’ house there.  For some reason, D (my TF’s eldest son) and his fiancee were there also.  I wasn’t minding him at first because I didn’t really know him, but later on, he approached me to give “respect”.  He told me that that’s why they were there, but that he actually lived around 3 hours out.  It was something like he was the “advanced party” of his dad.

And he was much smaller than I imagined him to be.  A little smaller than me, even.  I do know that he’s tall, like his father, but in my dream, he was small.

Next scene was that we were on a double date.  That’s the weird part.  He sort of set me up with his friend and even though I was “attached”, it was a different feeling trying to be nice and pleasant to someone new.

No more details of the date, but it seemed we went back to the house afterward and there was a presentation.  And D was being accommodating, pretty much like my cousin when he was here, and he danced with us except he was wearing this striped red and white (big 4 inch stripes, mind you!) sleeveless 20s style bathing suit. Hahaha!  Now, I don’t know where that came from. LOL.

Bag Binging

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Confession time.

I’ve been binging on bags. I think I must have bought 30 designer bags in the past month. I think it’s because I feel bad that I’ve gained weight and refuse to buy shoes anymore (I have too much) and refuse to buy clothes because I want to fit into my old ones. Plus, my shoulder is busted and I can’t do burpees anymore. And my twin’s body doesn’t know how to get to me. Hmp.

I have deadlines looming left and right and all I can do is shop online.  What a way to relieve pressure. An expensive way.  Of course, I know this has got to stop and I might have bought my last two bags today — both Balenciagas.

It’s like an utterly useless protest for not being able to fit into my beautiful clothes.

*****

It’s summer here already and the heat is getting to me.  Right now, when I’m supposed to be rushing for a deadline, all I can do is feel lethargic.  I’ve already had a nap because the heat drained me earlier on, and now all I want to do is sleep again.  Maybe I should listen to my body.

*****

Here’s something.

The other day, in my YouTube reading for the Twin Flame Divine Masculine Collective, I said that fire was needed for creation.  Actually, it is needed for destruction THEN re-creation, just like the phoenix rising from its ashes.  I was also ranting about the fact that my twin’s body didn’t know how to get to me.

Well, today, a portion of the mall he designed here in my country caught fire.  And as I was watching the footage and the news, I got really creeped out.  I felt that the Universe was conspiring to bring him to me.  Of course, they’ll have to get that section of the mall up and running again and, depending on the damage, they might have to get him in on the action.  Then, he’ll have to come here.  Of course, that just popped up in my head, but it is entirely plausible.

I even thought to text him about it, but because I was so blehhhh, I didn’t bother.  He’ll find out anyway.  Still and all, I found that kind of creepy.  I said fire was needed for the masculines to create and voila, there’s a fire in the place that my divine masculine created.

****

Another manifestation story.

Earlier at the office today, my coworker remarked that she didn’t see me carrying dark brown bags.  I told her I was eyeing a dark brown bag but it still wasn’t in my price range.  That’s true though.  I was lusting after a bag in dark coffee — either a Balenciaga or a Chloe Marcie — but they were way off my price range. In other words, I was on the hunt for a good deal.

Just when I was supposed to get to working on my decision, I decide to just scroll through my timeline.  And one of my suppliers just had new stock come in with — drumroll please — the exact Balenciaga bag I was looking for.  So, of course, I got that, plus another one.

So, yes, I know I’m going overboard with the bags and I think I need to go to Bagaholics Anonymous or something.  I think it’s because I feel I’ve been deprived.  But that’s really not the case.  I’ve been deprived of bags because I CHOSE not to buy bags.  I never thought I needed designer bags.  Sure, they’re nice to look at, but I would pay a full year’s tuition for one of them. But, truthfully, I like nice bags.  I used to have a lot of them until the Universe decided to give me my dark night of the soul and I had to sell every one of them for extra pocket money.  And when my family was more fiscally comfortable, those designer/luxury items were taken for granted.  Authenticity cards were just strewn away.  It didn’t matter if the dustbags were mixed up.  They were just dust bags!  Not me, not my mom recognized the value of what we had.

And now, it sounds crazy, but I kind of on a bag rescue mission.  When I see those preloved bags that aren’t loved anymore, I kind of feel sorry for the goat/calf/lamb/python that lost its skin so that it can be made into a bag.  At least, if I get them, I honor their sacrifice because I value the bag. Of course, so that both of us are happy, I have to get it in the color and style I like.

So there.  My bag binge deconstructed.

****

I do realize that my twin is in the same mental place as I am.  There are things I know I have to do — go back to keto, stop the bag binge, get on the job — and yet, I’m just dragging my butt because I’m not mentally ready to start.  A commenter on my video pointed this out, and I thank her immensely.  Well, she pointed out that he wasn’t mentally ready and I kind of connected the “mirroring” dots together.

I mean, I know I’m going to do it.  And it’s not even a question of “someday”.  It’s like “soon”.

****

I didn’t get that career move I applied for.  Actually, even after I submitted the requirements, I already knew I didn’t want it.  It was my parents that wanted bragging rights.  So when the letter came, it was a relief.  I didn’t have to prepare for the interview.  I didn’t have to choose between my mission or my work.  And I intuitively knew that it was because I was being prepared for something else where I could do more as a lightworker and Twin Flame.

It’s my mom that’s having the rougher time.  I’ve already told her that the Universe has got something else planned but I don’t think she heard me.

Well, that’s it.  I need to try and read now or maybe go to sleep. Whatever.

 

Heisenberg

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The title because… can’t think of anything else, just need to let off steam and I’m watching reruns of Breaking Bad.

I was looking forward to the reading I had today with Linamarie.  It was my TF’s birthday the day before and I wanted to find out how he was and what direction we’d have in the future.

What I found out is that he’s separated but not yet divorced and doesn’t have any impetus to get the paperwork done.  Then, when I asked if we were going to be married to each other in 3D, she said we could choose to get married, but in essence, the question was evaded and it all boiled down to — we could get married if we moved two mountains with our bare hands, swim across the Pacific Ocean in a single day, and milk diamonds out of a cow. She might as well have said no because she was giving me this song and dance about how marriage was “just a piece of paper”.

I was trying to explain to her that no matter how intertwined one was in 5D, or no matter how irrelevant that piece of paper is for life in 5D, we’re still 3D beings living in a 3D world/government, etc. and there are legal consequences to that piece of paper; that unless all the governments were abolished, and with that, the legal system, there are certain things that one has to do the paperwork for in order to be able to do stuff. That’s why, even if those documents seem irrelevant in while you are living out your autobiography, YOU STILL DO THEM.

I think it was the non-acknowledgement of that that got me more frustrated.  And the fact, that I was perfectly fine and happy with his 5D Higher Self before I got wind that he was just sitting pretty on his divorce.

She also said that he wouldn’t get in touch with me by June of this year; that it was better for us not to speak to each other before Spirit deems it time so that we could concentrate on whatever it was we had to clear, purge and heal.  Oh, and by the way, that 30% hasn’t changed. And that I had to clear my fear around him being married.  I think that got me even madder.  My fear around him being married? Whaddafuck???? I don’t need to fear him being married.  It’s just a fact.  

All I wanted from this woman was a status report on him, NOT ME.  And I as much told her that I wanted that so I could manage my fucking expectations. And I just felt that I just threw $100 out the window.

I asked her if he was consciously in love with me in 3D right now — and I did make a distinction between 3D and 5D, she said that I should look into my heart to find the answers. Maybe I would have found an answer there if she hadn’t gotten me fucking mad in the first place. Oh, and she also advises me to be mad — to clear that. She said that she felt that I was holding back and that I’ve got to get myself into a raging, all-consuming fire.

Self-immolation?

I don’t think this lady knows what happens when I’m mad.  Even now, I can hardly think or function because she’s gotten me mad. When I’m mad, I don’t care. I don’t give a rat’s ass.  And I happen to short-circuit everything around me — which I’ve managed through “saved by shungite”. Unhinged would be the word.

Okay, this is not helping.  I feel my blood pressure is through the roof.

 

The Crystal

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I took a nap late afternoon and I held an apophylite crystal while doing so, so that I could connect with the higher realms while sleeping and, maybe, they could give me a message.

So, I did have a dream and it was rather weird.

I was in an unfamiliar place which was apparently our house.  There was fighting outside, armed men, but our house was unaffected.  There were two people, a man and a woman — or a woman and child — I can’t remember — who sought shelter by the front steps leading to the main door.  I remember checking them out and telling them that they could not come in as I did not know them.

Then when I went inside the house, it was like the first time that I saw it.  There were beddings laid out in the living room and my sisters were there. It was like a sleepover but in our living room.  I remember that one of the bedbags was red.  Anyway, they were making themselves comfortable and lounging around.  Then I looked around the house and I said, “Wow, this house is really small.” And I was saying that in the context of our other houses that we’ve lived in because it was smaller than any of those places.

Then I looked at the crystal I was holding which was really really big, at least in my dream.  The actual crystal I was holding was a little smaller than a marshmallow, the ones you put on the end of a skewer when going camping, but in my dream, you’d need to put both your palms together to hold it.

In any case, I was looking at it, and then it broke up! The terminated point of the crystal got dislodged from the body.  And the rest of the body, when I looked at it, was a cloudy gray.  It wasn’t the crystal itself but sort of like a covering — wait, let me think how I can describe this accurately — imagine Cling-wrap but make it matte and gray and it was covering the crystal.  And then, as I tried to remove the wrap, the crystal disintegrated into little pieces.

I thought at first that this was just residual images of my subconscious since before I slept, I did a reading for my twin and asked him how his birthday was overall (we are in separation).  And in my reading, one of the cards was the High Priestess, clarified by an old woman in crutches and sterility (mountain).  And I read that as he didn’t have access to his Intuition or something like that. But moments after waking, Spirit nudged me and said that it just meant that I was the High Priestess and since I didn’t move or greet him, that’s why it turned up. That made sense.

I still don’t get the house and the crystal breaking up and turning gray.