Category Archives: Uncategorized



It’s Chinese New Year today and, unlike past years, I didn’t even attempt to celebrate. I think last year’s Year of the Dog was rather traumatic. When almost everyone thought that the Dog would be friendly to Rabbits, it was such a tough and difficult year.

I did buy new red panties and new flip-flops to slip into, but that’s the extent of it.

My blah state is probably a carry over from: 1) two Decisions that I had to rush because office staff neglected to tell me that our boss was going on a trip — and when I got mad at not being informed, they had the gall to feel slighted when all they do is laugh about, go out, excluding me, and then when the grunt work comes, they don’t give a hoot. Fuck them, really; 2) Being given a plate number that has the same coding day as my coding car when I already informed the dealer that I would like another number car. I already asked them beforehand what had to be done to make sure that I’d have a plate number with a different coding day than my other car and they said not to worry about it; that it could be fixed once a plate was issued (turns out that is very false information); and 3) Jeeves left without proper notice.

It’s Jeeves’ leaving that peeves me the most. He was our former househelp who also left the last time without proper notice and this was his second chance. The thing is, I came to realize that there are just people who LIE. Dr. House was right all along. Whatever happened to Word of Honor? I’m so very tempted to ask what is it in me that makes people think they can lie to me so blatantly? It just angers me so much that I kind of sort of wish that I had smiting powers so that I could rid the Earth of all these hypocrites and liars. Smite all the liars. Smite all the hypocrites. The world would be better off without them.

Instead, I chose New Earth. They will be held accountable for their actions, in this life or the next.

This life is tiring. Too much work and too little reward. You try to be fair and compassionate to others but all they do is hoodwink you. WTF.

So I’m alone (with the exception of the four-legged friends) and lonely, and even a husband wouldn’t add to my abundance coffer (or so Joy said). At this point, I’ve come to the conclusion that if lonely were a given, I would rather be rich and lonely rather than impoverished and lonely. And I’m firing that stupid oaf of a lawyer that drew up my Soul Contract for this life. (I know, that would most probably be me.)

So if I were wealthy….

… I wouldn’t have to work 2 other jobs to augment my income. I could just work (because I liked the company, work-environment) and not because I needed the money. I could even put up my own business so that I wouldn’t be tied to a desk and would have more time to circulate and socialize and meet other people.

… I would pay off all my loans and be debt-free.

… I would buy my dream house/s and have lots of fun decorating them and entertaining friends in them (yeah, what friends? I used to have a lot but everyone has their own families and their own lives)

… I would pay the household staff generous incomes so that they would stick around

… I would travel, even pay for the fares of my traveling companions, so that it would be a fun trip.

… I would set up something for my parents so that they have income each month.

… I would adopt children – grateful and loving ones – so that I could give them a better life.

… I’d support causes for preservation of animals

And that would be it, really.

It’s just that I feel I’m always playing catch-up with everyone else and the gap is so wide, the chasm so deep, that whatever I do, I can’t find myself on equal footing with them. And that, ladies and gentlemen, sucks.



Well, Hello, 2019!


It’s been a while since I’ve gotten anywhere remotely near the 5th Dimension. Why? Because plans go awry. Go figure.

At the onset of Q4 of last year, I was riding tail to get all my deliverables at work, well, delivered. The original plan was to spend Thanksgiving in the US, redeem the airline credits I still have left before they expire by visiting Chicago or someplace else, then go to Hawaii with my extended family. However, I decided not to go (my sister was being a bitch again regarding me going on the same flight with her family) because — priorities. I’d rather save my money for a rainy day or for rent or a downpayment just in case I get evicted (again).

Segue to Plan B which was to use the time during Christmas to reconnect to my viewers and subscribers, get my other online business up and running to raise funds for rent/DP.

But even that was thwarted. As soon as I turned in my last Decision of the year, my boss slaps me with a high-profile consolidated case with tons and tons of dockets which, IMO, would have better been used as kindling for the fireplace.

For more than a month, I was eating, sleeping, breathing the case. I didn’t go out. Didn’t get to catch any Christmas Bazaars, missed the Simbang Gabi (Dawn Masses). Nada. The moment I woke up in the morning, I was on it, racing to beat my deadline. I would sleep near dawn every single day too tired to even fix the dockets strewn all over my bed.

And Plan B flew out the window.

In a way, though, I think it was good that I was busy during that time instead of moping and reveling in the fear of what unknown future would befall me. Heck, I didn’t even get to read “The Other Side of Suicide” when this break was supposed to give me time to contemplate whether or not I would push through with it.

What I ended up doing was — work. I dove full into the Holidays (Christmas Day/New Year’s Day) not being sentimental because as soon as I turned in my draft on the last working day of the year, there was another pile of dockets from the backlog because I had to focus on *the case*. In fact, I’m still dealing with that. I kind of want to get that under wraps before I go head on into YA and online selling again.

What I also ended up doing since I was under “house arrest by deadline” was shop online. It was like I was making up for not actually going to the US by shopping my entire ticket price. I couldn’t go out to shop for Christmas gifts either so I shopped online. And I wanted to give nice gifts to everyone. Especially since, I was thinking, this could be the last holidays that I would spend with my family in this house.

Anyway, the holidays are over, but my backlog isn’t. The savings that I was hoping to put aside from all the Christmas bonuses are dwindling, mostly because I’ve been investing on myself. I want to take care of myself this year, on all fronts — health, diet, skin, finances. I’ve been also fixing my brain (my pc) and all the extensions of it, updating software, etc. Been replacing worn out things with new ones. Basically, just making sure that I’m all set as much as I can prepare myself to be so.

During the last week of November, I got a reading from Joy and as far as me and my TF reuniting, it’s still an “uphill climb” (those are the exact words that she used). In essence, we still have to go through our individual challenges; he still has to admit to himself that he’s not happy in his current set up wherein he’s living his life for others; and I have to end my karmic contracts with my family and see to it that I stand on my own two feet. IOW, survive the sale of the house and the migration of my entire family. So how’s that for a jolly forecast? It’s like getting a fortune cookie that says, “You’ll be going through some tough shit this year because your soul chose it.” Fuck. Looks like this year will be “The Year for Searching for Silver Linings”. Miss Universe, Caitriona Gray, would approve.

I did get a clarificatory reading from Joy this morning. Basically, my folks will try to help me out with proceeds of the house but how yet depends on how it will play out. My dad is inclined to “set me up” instead of just giving me the money, but this set up will have strings attached so he will have some semblance of control over it. (Joy said though that he will me more focused on his new life so the “control” will be merely illusory) My mom wants to give me cash so that I’d have the freedom to choose where to live, but she still doesn’t know how the sale will pan out, plus she needs to set aside for their own “new life without me” also.

As for being the most prosperous out of all my sisters, she said that I had the “potential” to be that, even if I was unmarried. She clarified that even if it seemed that my sisters were richer than me, despite having that “potential” to get to the number one spot, it may not even matter to me anymore. (WTF. That would mean that I just probably gave up already.)

However, when she checked what the situation would be if I were partnered up, she said that “nothing would change”. She started saying something about how other people’s financial karma could be affected by a spouse who wanted to be more prosperous, but then cut herself off. She just said that it was good in a sense that — and I’m editorializing here because I can’t remember her exact words — that he wouldn’t bring me down, and that it didn’t matter if I was unmarried or not. What was important to my “soul” was that I would achieve whatever heights that I wanted to achieve in my own way. That it may take longer than others, but (insert words of consolation here).

So, after all that, just what exactly would Mr.-Nothing-Would-Change bring to the table? I ask because in her reading, all my partnered up sisters are receiving financial help and support from their spouses contributing to their “total wealth”. Did she just peg me down as a Sugar Mommy in the future? Would I be the female lion that goes out for the hunt while the male lions just bask in the sun and take credit for it?

In that scenario, it would be like I was paying for a male consort, a companion to warm my bed and my loins and go to the movies and the supermarket with. Then, I would justify my chosen lifestyle by saying that “with true love, there is no accounting” which is true, until the split. (And I call it that because there’s still no divorce in my jurisdiction)

Whoever got excited about an “uphill climb”? I hate transitions. They’re dastardly uncomfortable. I’ve been subjected to it time and time again and I’ve hated each and every one of them. This is why I’ve got such a short memory when it comes to things like those. You get into survival mode and there’s no room for sentiment. I honestly cannot remember the last days or weeks that I’ve spent in a place I’ve lived in and loved and had to leave.  That’s my coping mechanism. Block out that part that was so distasteful. Being told that I’ll have to go through that over again isn’t exactly the “jolly good time” that I had been visualizing since 2008. (BTW, I think I can declare that experiment as a FAIL)

And as for my TF Relationship — or lack thereof — he’s lost; i’m lost; we’re of no help to each other in our worldly lives, so what of it? The word Compassion keeps repeating over and over in my head, but I’m losing my patience when it comes to being compassionate towards idiots. My currency is the heart; their currency is logic or some other real world currency that leaves me beat up. If all Joy (and all the rest of it — Finances, etc.) is to be generated by me, myself, and I, and there is no one that will bother to be compassionate towards me or to go out of their way to share their joy with me, I’m reminded of the time that I got so frustrated with Big Dick Tom and just when we were starting to get ourselves hot and bothered, I said, “Let’s get this over and done with.” Ha. How romantic. /s He got all irritable after that and said that I ruined the mood. But if it was just a transactional recreational thingy, then why bother to keep up the pretense of a romance. It would only be for his amusement, not mine.

So there. I just want to get this over and done with. Fuck that uphill climb.




My Tiger and TF Dream


Just jotting this down in case it becomes relevant later on.

Before I went to bed last night, I asked my guides what was my purpose here on Earth, to let me know in my dreams and to help me remember it upon waking. Not quite sure if I remembered everything, but here goes.

Dream was in two parts. First part was me visiting my Tito and Tita’s house that, for some reason, wasn’t their real house (which is located in a posh village). This one was located somewhere in Cubao, a sprawling piece of property that was smack in the middle of a crowded neighborhood. In fact, getting there, you could see the white walls from the outside.

As I went in, there were lots of people in the house.  Not sure if there was a party because half of the house was a sort of hotel. Just that there were lots of people (kind of like when you go down for breakfast buffet in a hotel). There was cake too. There were several kinds of chocolate cake.

I knew I was there on account of work. (My tita is my boss in real life) And I happened upon the party and wanted to taste some of the cake. While I was still trying to observe what was  happening — and I don’t know which came first in the dream or what — my aunt and uncle came down, hurrying to get to an appointment. Some servants were following them. There were some big creatures that the servants were hanging onto with a leash and some leashes snapped and they roamed freely. It seemed everyone (including me) was disoriented at first, but relaxed when we realized that the big creatures were friendly dogs. But along with the dogs, some tigers, maybe two, came bounding down the staircase.  I was close by and the tiger came up to me. It roared ferociously and was around two inches away from my face. I was scared but I stood very still and stood my ground. There was another tiger present but I didn’t know what happened with that. All I know was that I wanted to still get a slice of chocolate cake but decided to forego it.

That’s when I woke up.

I went back to bed though and this next part I remember very little of. It seems as though I met with my TF. He wasn’t very friendly and he kept his distance. And I don’t know what happened, but I think I physically moved closer to him and that’s when he “remembered”, kind of like allowed himself to let his guard down. I just know he was wearing a peach shirt. And the last shot was us cuddling like the lovers in the painting of Gustav Klimt.

As for the answer to my question – it seems as though part of my purpose is to be an evolutionary catalyst for this family I was born in. The pair of tigers are my parents, kept under the metaphorical wing of my uncle. The dogs are the rest of my relatives on that side of the family, cousins included. The folks in the house are the other people they are trying to help. The cake would be the good times with the family which I (in my dream) would choose to forego. My TF was just there for support.




I had a difficult time raising my vibration after that reading with JK. But, of course, the Universe was watching out for me, and one of those rare instances when I opened my FB, I saw that Starsoul Tarot (a.k.a. Hazel, Illumined Souls) had a special on, so I booked an appointment the day before M’s birthday.

I told her about the circumstances with my reading with JK and how I had felt that a lot of what she told me was off. I didn’t give too much information and certainly not the details of her reading because I didn’t want to convolute the messages that she got for me.

Anyway, the first thing she told me was that, as far as Soul Origin goes, she saw that I was surrounded by white light and that I was not obstructed by anything karmic. It was a day after the reading that she told me that her guides told me that I was an angelic.

This resonated because sometimes, when I ask to be connected to the Highest Aspect of Myself that I can connect with at the time, this is what I see.

She said that she got the Ace of Pentacles which meant that this was the start of a new cycle in my evolution. It’s a new beginning so I’ve got to let go of everything I’ve heard before that confused me.

She confirmed that M is my TF (as opposed to JK’s pronouncement that he was just my Soul Mate and that we would not get together in this lifetime and that my true TF was some guy with a limp) and all I needed to do was to wait for him to come into his truth. That’s why I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm to date anyone else even if I would like a companion for the future.

The effect of the energy of JK’s reading was to deflect me from this truth. Not one part of what she said to me was true. (can confirm! not even the bit about why I didn’t have security of home, or the role I play in my parents’ ascension.) All was just obstructing my truth.

She said that I had to view the value of the reading from a different perspective. I had to see it as a test to bring me back to the truth. It was a way for me to distinguish something that was outside who I really was and how it didn’t resonate. I guess, it was kind of like those game shows where you’re blindfolded and you have to guess what it is in front of you based on the texture or the taste. At least now, I know that whatever fiction JK trumped up, it was all fiction.

So, in essence, it was like I had contracted a spiritual illness because of JK’s reading. She’s pulling people out of their vibrations all over the place. She told me to believe in myself and to not let JK pull me out of my vibration. She said that I was very spiritual, very high-minded, very intuitive, and that I was creating abundance out of my true nature. JK probably sensed this and so there’s a bit of jealousy going on there.

As for M, she said that he’s not ready yet.  He’s also confused now because I’m confused. I have to get myself back on track so that he can also get back on track. I have to clear my energy field again and work extra hard to get my vibration back.

She said that JK was trying to rip twins apart. So I should get back to where I was before. I will come back stronger than ever and be able to put out high level information for others more than I used to do, and that I would become more powerful. I should create boundaries around myself to respect my true authentic self.

As for M’s birthday, I’m supposed to send a short message – nothing overwhelming. On a soul level, he’s waiting for that chance. He won’t reply right away but it’s going to be good for me in the long run.

Now, I did get that prompting about that birthday message from Spirit a few days or maybe even a week before. I had maintained silence all this time, giving him space, and I think the last message he got from me was almost two years ago, but that was long-winded and loaded.

She confirmed that, unlike JK’s gloom and doom prophecy, M and I were going to come together in this lifetime and incarnation. He’s not doing well right now. He’s not in his power emotionally because his wounding is still affecting him.

He’s still making a choice about his marriage. He’s not happy about where he is in life. He’s holding back from me because of the sadness that happened between us and he carries a lot of guilt and shame. He would like to reach out to me in some respects and that he thinks about me a lot in the physical sense. (meaning his 3D body is thinking of me, not in 5D). He thinks that I’m better off than him financially (not true – he’s just assuming this because I come from a political family and his culture says that those who come from political families also have wealth). So he thinks’ he’s not worthy of me and that I’m kind of out of his league.

He thinks about contacting me as well but thinks I’m out of reach (probably because of my last email which sounded like a definitive goodbye). So it’s best to send that birthday message.

He’s still in ego and sees things one-dimensionally. He still needs to make that decision to leave his karmic, but he’s moving on in the near future and leaving her.

She reiterated that he thinks a lot of me and that if he could turn back the clock 20 years, he would not have married B at all. Still, he’s keeping his feelings for me very close and locked up a bit.

Being my TF, he’s got a purpose beyond our physical reunion so I shouldn’t worry too much about the whys, wherefores, and when. They’re going to resolve themselves as soon as I resolve my inner conflict. He will come back to me.

And then she reminded me again to go ahead and send that birthday message.

And I did.

Of course, I didn’t get a response (wasn’t expecting any). And then, the Universe presented me with a whole host of other fires I had to put out (helpers tendering their resignation), but after the reading I felt Power returning to me. And Clarity. I’m still shying away from public readings, but I think I shall put out something soon.

As for JK, from the time I got that reading until quite recently, I was having second thoughts on whether or not I should send her feedback regarding the reading. She has a massive presence on FB, charges $300-$400 per reading, and seems to know what she’s talking about, “seems” being the operative word. But while I was just thinking about how odd it was that she would miss the mark by a mile when it came to my reading, it dawned on me that in her bio, prior to her awakening sometime in 2008, she had been a librarian for decades. Her awakening was prompted by her being fired from her job, for reasons beyond her control. They were downsizing, I think. And she lists this as the event that jarred her out of her sleep.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with librarians. They’re usually very affable and pleasant.  One fact is indisputable though — well, not one fact, several which I shall mention — 1) they have a lot of time on their hands; 2) they are surrounded by books, all of which they have access to; and 3) the more you read, the better you write because you imbibe the material, the tone, the information being put out there by other authors. In other words, since there is nothing short of truly original in this day and age, almost all written work is derived from something else.

Hence, the loquaciousness. Hence, the verbosity.  Hence, the prolific writing. And, most often, she churns out fiction. That’s very dangerous.

What I sensed in the reading (which Illumined Souls confirmed) was that she was getting impression but did not know whether they belonged to the past or the future. For those she couldn’t tap into, she would just spew fiction. So best to leave that all behind and charge it to experience.



On the Fence


Rollercoaster day, emotion-wise. I don’t have the time to lay down all the details of it, but the supposed highlight was my getting a soul reading by JK. I think she was highly inaccurate. And when I asked my pendulum and my cards, it leaned that way too.

That’s kind of a disappointment considering that it cost and arm and a leg.

Velanthas was more accurate. I hope she’s still into giving readings as the last time I checked her blog, she was focusing more on her soul mission. Hazel was more accurate (Starsoul Tarot a.k.a. Illumined Souls).

Back to JK – I am going to read it again, but it doesn’t make sense. It’s as if there were some parts of me that she couldn’t tap. She had me pegged down as someone desperate and needy for love. Yes, I’ve been that in the past, but it’s as if she wasn’t given access to the future. She just kept babbling about me having to love myself yada yada yada and was assuming that all this time, I was dependent on my folks.

What I’m getting is that there is a certain point wherein she was able to read me, but the High Priestess came along and all her faulty assumptions contributed to an off-reading from that point onwards.

Anyway, I shall read it again, but very little resonated.


The Year That Was


I’m spending New Year’s Eve alone this year. My family will be celebrating with my Grand Uncle’s family as he is terminally ill and can’t move about as he used to.  Traditionally, they would drive over to our place to spend the holiday here.

I could go with them, but four of my furkids will be scared and anxious because of the firecrackers and the fireworks so I’ll be staying behind. Truth to tell, I am glad for the silence and the peace.  Even if I wanted to go, I don’t feel all that well and this looks like the flu about to rear its head.

Okay, so onto my remembrance of the year that was, 2017. I often have to do this because my memory is short at times, and if I don’t write this down, it will just fly away.


  • was able to go see Coron in an all expense paid trip with my cousins. It was my first time there and it was spectacular
  • manifested a brand new car, top of the line in its own model
  • got into the Buy and Sell network and was able to purchase those high-end designer bags that I like at bargain price. Now, this is kind of a biggie because I really don’t shop at boutiques because I find their prices too exorbitant and excessive even if I love the bags.
  • same thing with shoes – and I think this year I will have to prune my collection
  • was able to surpass the prediction of my reader on how many clients I would have with my mission many times over — and am truly grateful for them
  • closed the circle on my “Series of Unfortunate Events” saga which took a decade to do and was able to go back to the US and be with my extended family (whom I truly feel at home with even more than my immediate family because the love is just there)
  • I was able to raise funds to buy Maximus a custom brace where he is able to lay down and sit while worn
  • I had that photoshoot with the furkids on Maximus’ birthday (which I should turn into a photobook)
  • I learned that I naturally have beachlocks if I don’t blow dry! (this is also a biggie since I have been wanting to have wavy hair since I was young. In fact, I damaged my hair trying to get this and that perm when all I needed was a good layered cut and not do anything with it afterwards)
  • reconnected with my orgmates from college
  • was finally able to replace my other ten-year old laptop with something new so I can edit on both my laptops at the same time
  • I was able to drive again in the US – with more confidence this time around
  • I did not even have the urge to meet up with my karmic lesson while I was in the US, even if he was texting me


Well, those are the highlights.  There were days when the longing for my TF was very poignant, but I feel very balanced now. Lonely, but balanced. There was a span of time this  year where I was troubled, not knowing whether or not to resign from my work to go into mission full time, but that’s been tabled in the meantime.

I did order a reading from Judith Kusel which will come on 2/9/2018 (that’s 11:11) for you. So I’m kind of waiting for that and any answers she can give me.

Of course, there were challenges during the year as well, but I won’t recount them anymore. Suffice it to say that they have been surpassed.

As for what I feel for the year ahead? Well, my reader tells me that there are good things to come for me, on all fronts.  Even my cousin who is also a TF, she said that she vibes that my love life will gain some traction this year. Me? I just feel old and tired.

My grandmother is turning 90 next year, and I’m not even half her age. I can just imagine how tired she is. At least, she’s surrounded by a loving family and a doting husband (my grandfather). TF aside, that’s what has been occupying my thoughts during my sojourn in a foreign land. I was thinking that if my TF isn’t ready yet or if our paths won’t cross anymore in this lifetime, then my life right now is pretty much how it’s going to be for many years to come. Just me, embodying both the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine within me, in balance, asexual, and, well, solitary.  Just going through the days making sure that everything is working, meeting deadlines and bills, and trying to amuse myself in the meantime. (That’s been difficult to do. I think I’ve turned “serious”.)  Not fending off the Crone-mode, either. Just this morning one of my brother’s friends called me “tita” and I was too exhausted to object or even correct him.

I’m still game to move forward and see what life has to offer, but there’s a hair’s breadth’s nuance there. I want to see what life has to offer without me having to give out blood, sweat, and tears.  Kind of like a bonus, or a gift. Why? Just because.

So my wishlist to the Universe hasn’t really changed much.










I was going to write about how things are topsy turvy now when I saw a post by Illumined Souls (formerly Starsoul Tarot) that said that there was an influx of light now and we are being plagued by ascension symptoms, triggers and anything else; that where we are in the ascension process will dictate the timing of union with our TF.

I hope that certainly explains it.  What i’m going through right now feels like a final examination of sorts.  I’m almost having second thoughts about going to the US because all the uncertainty is so emotionally taxing. I’ve managed to get my PTSD about my “Series of Unfortunate Events” while I was there under control and this seems to be a time loop. Sort of going back in time (but in the future) to re-do some things over.

Well, for one thing, I don’t think this will be a sexual nirvana for me this time around.  I don’t even know who I’ll get to hang out with. Another thing is that the entire time with dad around is like me walking straight into an ambush that I already know about beforehand. And it’s making me antsy like nothing else.  That’s apart from not knowing if I will be allowed in the country in the first place. Or being stuck in an airport with no-smoking allowed.

I pulled some cards for myself and on the top row was Ten of Swords (Ruin), Nine of Swords (Cruelty) and Eight of Swords (Interference).  These are the things that I am being given the opportunity to transmute right now. There are good things in store for me if I do pass this test.

But am I ready? Emotionally, I feel very “at sea” about it all.  Initially, I did want to enjoy it but it seems as though everyone has plans except for me.  Which brings up my “being left behind” drama all over again and all those existentialist questions.   Is this what my life is going to be like? Trying to tag along with everybody because I don’t have my own group or my own plans? That’s getting kind of old. Even if I ultimately know why I’m here.

And all I really want to do is get Maximus’ braces and maybe have some fun on the side. I paid an awful lot for that ticket.

What’s stressing me out more is the message in Illumined Souls’ post — “Just go and live your life.”  What kind of life am I living out? I help folks on my mission but the rest of the people around me don’t know what I do and don’t even understand why I’m doing it. My family is part of the Ancestral Line challenge that I undertook in this incarnation (which I am almost always regretting). I mean, couldn’t I have picked something relatively easier? I should take notes for my next incarnation, but I think I’m done.

Nothing really matters, so I’ll just go with the flow. Or, if you want to make that a pun, “go with the flaw”.