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I was going to write about how things are topsy turvy now when I saw a post by Illumined Souls (formerly Starsoul Tarot) that said that there was an influx of light now and we are being plagued by ascension symptoms, triggers and anything else; that where we are in the ascension process will dictate the timing of union with our TF.

I hope that certainly explains it.  What i’m going through right now feels like a final examination of sorts.  I’m almost having second thoughts about going to the US because all the uncertainty is so emotionally taxing. I’ve managed to get my PTSD about my “Series of Unfortunate Events” while I was there under control and this seems to be a time loop. Sort of going back in time (but in the future) to re-do some things over.

Well, for one thing, I don’t think this will be a sexual nirvana for me this time around.  I don’t even know who I’ll get to hang out with. Another thing is that the entire time with dad around is like me walking straight into an ambush that I already know about beforehand. And it’s making me antsy like nothing else.  That’s apart from not knowing if I will be allowed in the country in the first place. Or being stuck in an airport with no-smoking allowed.

I pulled some cards for myself and on the top row was Ten of Swords (Ruin), Nine of Swords (Cruelty) and Eight of Swords (Interference).  These are the things that I am being given the opportunity to transmute right now. There are good things in store for me if I do pass this test.

But am I ready? Emotionally, I feel very “at sea” about it all.  Initially, I did want to enjoy it but it seems as though everyone has plans except for me.  Which brings up my “being left behind” drama all over again and all those existentialist questions.   Is this what my life is going to be like? Trying to tag along with everybody because I don’t have my own group or my own plans? That’s getting kind of old. Even if I ultimately know why I’m here.

And all I really want to do is get Maximus’ braces and maybe have some fun on the side. I paid an awful lot for that ticket.

What’s stressing me out more is the message in Illumined Souls’ post — “Just go and live your life.”  What kind of life am I living out? I help folks on my mission but the rest of the people around me don’t know what I do and don’t even understand why I’m doing it. My family is part of the Ancestral Line challenge that I undertook in this incarnation (which I am almost always regretting). I mean, couldn’t I have picked something relatively easier? I should take notes for my next incarnation, but I think I’m done.

Nothing really matters, so I’ll just go with the flow. Or, if you want to make that a pun, “go with the flaw”.


That Secret Smile


I went through my day with a little spring in my step and my heart bursting with love.

The reading I put up last week said that connections with one’s TF would be restored and I was also hoping that it would be true for me.

This morning, I woke up feeling him.  We were sleeping together holding hands and it was like that night where we made love happened all over again in vivid HD. I could feel him cumming on top me and shuddering as he got his release. I could SENSE it. FEEL IT.

I was still wondering where that came from and then all of a sudden, I hear a tone coming from my phone. And it was just viber announcing that “M has just joined Viber! Say Hi and get a free sticker pack!”

And my breath caught.  We hadn’t had contact in so long. I already assumed he changed his number. The last messages I sent him through iMessage years ago remained unread.  And here was a new avenue for connection. “Connections Restored”, indeed.

So what did I do? I sent the lamest message ever. Hahaha. “Wow, you have Viber! Hi!” and it would have come from an unknown number because I was texting from my new one. Hahaha.

No reply.  Just delivered. But I did claim my free sticker pack. Hah!

I asked my pendulum if it was him on the other end and Spirit said YES. And that just got me ecstatic the entire day. I was just so happy that he was still alive somewhere in the planet. I was even tempted to ask him how the kids were, how his karmic was because it really didn’t matter to me. If he’s still not done with that karmic contract, then, he’s still not done. I would still love him and his showing up unbidden on the morning of Friday the 13th just reminded me of how in love I still am with the man. I could literally feel my heart expanding and shooting out love bombs! Pew! Pew! Pew!

So here I am, at the end of the day, still smiling like an idiot.  And no one knows why. (except you,  because you read this, haha)


In My Dreams


Can a dream totally drain one of energy?

Maybe it’s because I was rushing stuff for work and mission yesterday and, like Wonder Woman, got it all done by 3AM.  Still, I don’t know why after several months of feeling no connection with my twin whatsoever, I dreamt of him.

This was a long dream, not his usual cameo appearance in my dreams where, upon waking, I was confused if I really dreamt about him or my imagination just conjured up dreaming of him.

The first part of my dream was that M was meeting with my dad.  He was thin, his body frame years after our last meeting which I had seen in pictures of him.  I was close by but I didn’t get near them.  It’s like I was just watching while they were negotiating something.  He was wearing white. That much, I remember.

I know they spoke of meeting up again at another venue, and that’s where the second part of my dream kicked in.  He left and I wasn’t able to talk to him.

Venue for Part 2 of my dream was at a theatre.  It didn’t seem like a movie theatre, but like a play was being staged there.  I was still there with my family and then he came up, holding a toddler with this girl, presumably his wife, in tow.

I was closer to my dad this time, still, just watching and observing them.  It was as if it were a movie premier and everyone was still chatting and getting comfortable in their seats while the lights were still on.

At first, I thought that the woman he was with was his karmic.  In fact, when I was looking at her, her face morphed from the karmic to that of another woman. My dream was so vivid, it was like viewing it in HD. The girl was wearing a black lace sleeveless dress and she was practically clinging to him while he was holding their child.

As  M and my dad said their goodbyes, they headed towards their seats, M holding his toddler, and girl in tow.  We were already positioned in our seats which was mid-theatre. My eyes followed them to where they were sitting.  It was at the back of the theatre and in my dream, I was wondering why I had forgotten that he would most probably sit there. He had told me that already before in real life.  He said that because he was tall and didn’t want to block the view of the other movie-goers, he would usually sit in the back.

So there I was watching M and his new family getting settled in their seats.  We didn’t speak to each other directly in my dream.  And when I woke up, of course, the first thing I thought was why he appeared in my dreams with a lengthy appearance at that.  Then it hit me, that this could possibly be some remote viewing and that was his situation in 3D already. I have no idea what’s going on with him.

And what if it were true?  That after years of contending with the karmic and waiting for him to show up at my doorstep, he gets into a relationship with some other woman and lives out my dream of him with her instead?

I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel as though the earth would swallow me whole.  I went about my day, busy as usual, even though what the dream meant was nagging at the back of my mind. I asked my Higher Self and Spiritual Team what message did they mean to give me with that dream, but I didn’t get any answers.

When I got home though, I was exhausted.  I couldn’t even do mission-related stuff because I was just wiped out.

Okay, that’s it.  I think I need to rest now.


Birthday Blahs


First time ever that I’ve felt this way about my birthday.  I just feel so … old.  I don’t have any plans.  Since my dog-nanny is away on vacation and I’m not sure if he’s going to return, I’m not sure if I’ll have the strength to even just attend to them if I do decide to go out.  No one’s making plans with me and I’m not making plans either.

Birthdays used to be a big thing for me. I have thrown many memorable parties during my birthday. And here I am, not really certain if there’s something worth celebrating.

I just realized — well, not “just” because I’ve known this for a while, but I’ve lead a rather lonely and sad life.  For the past decade, my main love and “companion” has been my dog, Maximus, and even he is getting old.  I was having such a tough time trying to manage the cleaning, the feeding, errands, doing mission work without any help this morning that I brought all three of them to the groomers.  Groomers called to tell me that the two little ones were done, but that they were having difficulty with Maximus because he was nipping aggressively.  I gave them a piece of my mind — so, did they just groom nice dogs? He’s old and cranky and defensive because both his knees have been blown out. What I didn’t tell them though was that I was so so so so tired, and I lacked time to do the million other things on my to do list that I didn’t think I had the strength to bathe and groom him.

They ended up grooming him. But as I went to pick up the other two that had been finished — I live close by — and I saw Maximus in that muzzle, I nearly cried right then and there.  And I said to myself that even if I’m so tired, I’m going to do it next time.  We don’t have much time left with each other.  I’ m getting old.  He’s getting old.  And I know that he’s going to leave me someday. And when I was combing him at home and putting that home-made concoction of flea powder, I saw liver spots on his skin.  And I just started bawling my eyes out.

The entire time my twin hasn’t been around, Maximus kept me company, through all kinds of shit I’ve had to go through. And I know, know, know deep in my soul that he loves me with all his heart.  And I don’t know if my twin is ready for anything yet; he might take another decade or what and he’s old. He and my dog are about the same age in human years and with him in absencia and my darling Mooxie aging, that just triggered me to do major purging about abandonment.

I understand.  If my twin still can’t make an appearance or doesn’t even want to because he’s “built a life” with his family, I think I’m okay with that now.  I’m just asking God to please send me a companion to go through life with, to experience the now, in the physical, with. I’m always alone, mostly by choice, but it’s getting lonely. (Disclaimer — although I am up to my ears in busy now so hanging out for the sake of hanging out would also be out of the question.  I think I’ve met my quota twice over in “hanging out” during college.

I also want to get back in shape.  All this stillness to hear Spirit has gotten me back to the chunky side and hardly anything fits anymore.  My face filled out and I’ve been off keto for quite a while now.

This is so strange. I want to be still and active at the same time; alone and in the company of others at the same time. I want to be ALL of it.



No househelp today.  My trusty manservant and dog nanny had a death in the family so I’m homebound doing chores and taking care of the furkids.  For some reason, I woke up really early this morning so by mid-morning, I was down from a nap.

Anyway, I was still in my room (in my dream) and when I woke up and opened the door to the hallway, I saw several workmen installing air conditioners in the hallway. My shoe racks which used to line the hallway were gone, and in its place were lighting and desks. My mom was there, supervising the workers, and apparently, they were getting ready to redecorate and give the house I live in to my sister and her family without telling me.  They planned to scale down and buy a place of their own but didn’t include me in their plans. (Now, that is what is happening in real life).

So, in my dream, I just blurted out and asked them. I was following them around the house (my house was mansionlike in my dream) and they were laughing and talking excitedly with my sister.  I was asking my dad what would happen to me and he just shrugged.  And I kept saying that he was bad and evil and I was so distressed, I was crying and screaming silently.

So, those are my fears coming up to the surface. Again.

Forced LOA


Been down with the flu for the past 2 days where I spent most of my time just sleeping and wondering when my body malaise would just go away.  This came after I frantically rushed after my deadline at work in order not to incur the wrath of my boss.

So I wasn’t able to do the weekly readings nor was I able to do any work or make advances in any one of my projects.  I attempted doing some errands this morning, but that left me winded and weak.  I hardly have any voice and any sound that comes out of me sounds like a tortured frog, so readings are really out of the question.  Plus, I asked if I was well enough to do them and Spirit said no.  My head is starting to clear though, but because I can barely get any oxygen into my airways any sustained thought there is short-lived, lol.

I went from worrying how to do everything to not being able to do anything! Anyway, it’s all good.  A reset button, if you will.  I’ll know when I’m back in action when every little thing doesn’t get me cranky anymore.  Right now, only the company of my dogs are the ones that don’t irritate me.

I did get a reading last Friday about my dilemma about work vs. mission and the guidance I was given was to hang-in there until M comes around.  Just juggle and keep on balancing work, mission and other lines of business.  And when this flu finally hit, despite me wanting to carry on and get a headstart on my backlog in any of those areas, I just broke down crying and kept asking for assistance from my spiritual team, the angels, the Archangels and God.  I wasn’t even asking that my twin make an appearance and save me from making a choice, because I already know that regardless of the timing of when he makes his reappearance, I’ll still have to deal with this.

So this respite was good in that it forced me to rest, to detach myself from that frantic energy I had been living with in the past few weeks.  Being busy was good too because from what little I’ve skimmed through the TF groups, there’s a dissident faction out there insisting that all this TF stuff is make believe.  Basically though, they’re composed of the souls who have not yet embraced the concept of “no time” and want quick reward in the 3D timeline. I don’t blame them though. Maybe life would be happier just experiencing things in 3D; that is, if 3D is all you’ve experienced thus far.  If you’ve already merged with your twin if 5D, it’s very difficult to want anything else, especially if you’ve realized that it took you so many lifetimes to even come into that knowing.

I say it’s good that I was detached because, again, it keep clear focus if you don’t get involved in 3D politics.  I say politics because even though it doesn’t govern affairs of state, it’s how people interact which each other, trying to best each other’s school of thought.  It’s very 3D.  That’s why I was never attracted to Twin Flame teachers who jump on other people who may be misguided. Candace does that.  Says it brings out the — I forget which State she referenced — Detroit, maybe? — girl in her.  All that is tabloid and 3D drama, however which way you put it.

Does the sun have to convince the people on Earth that it shines? That it rises in the East and sets in the West?

No, it doesn’t. It just does.

And there will be people who may have been born inside a cave and lived all their lives in it, and the moment that they see sunshine, they will argue with you that no, life on earth is predominantly dark. In fact, sunshine is so rare that they don’t like it because they get blinded by it after having lived in a cave for so long.  But the cave is their home; their everyday; their life. So, no, they would not agree that sunshine is good for them.

There’s more to that analogy.  Unfortunately, brain has gotten foggy again and I think I need to lie down.  So until next time. Take care.

I Defer to My Higher Self


Around two months ago, my parents told me that their Original Household in this religious group they belong to, all of whom have since become family friends, decided to go on a reunion.  It would be a cruise to the Norwegian Fjords and then a sidetrip to Scotland and London.  Some of the children of their friends would come and they invited me to come along too, of course, at my expense.

I was so excited! I have never seen the Norwegian Fjords and would have wanted to go castle hopping in Scotland.  And, London? Well, that would be the shopping part of the trip.  I’ve been to London already.

So I eagerly checked if it would be viable financially on my end, and yes, I had enough to make it happen.  But something was nagging me at the back of my head, so I decided to ask Spirit through my pendulum.  I asked if I should go on the trip.  No. Whuuutttt??? But I want to!!!  So, I ask again.  No.   Aww, c’mon.  Why not? And of course, it doesn’t get answered that way.  I ask one last time and, again, the answer was no.  Hmph.

So I go to my mom, kind of deflated, telling her that I can’t go.  She asks me why.  I tell her that I asked Spirit and it said no.  I even show her the pendulum, ask the same questions and was given the same answers on the spot.  (Yes, I know, I can be pesky)  I didn’t know why I wasn’t given the go signal to go on that trip, but I defer to the Higher Guidance.

Eventually, I found out why.  My parents didn’t get to go on that trip.  Why? They weren’t able to get their visas on time because of their own complacence (i.e. one of those karmic things that I am trying to help them clear).  And with the plane fare and cruise fully paid for and non-refundable, that went down the drain.  There’s more to the story — their having to make a cover story to cover up their own negligence, yadayadayada — bottom line is that for the cover story to hold up, they had to spend mega bucks on top of what they had already spent and had no reassurance in recovering.

Here’s the almost creepy part — had I disregarded the advice and went ahead arranging for the trip, the visas, the ticket, the cruise — all that would have been arranged by my parents since I was merely tagging along and my money would have gone down the drain as well.

So, thank you, Spirit.  🙂 I truly appreciate the heads up.


I also had a Soul Dharma session today.  The reason why I asked for a session was because I was physically and emotionally exhausted with doing work and mission.  Work was getting too demanding and the pervading 3D energies at the office were actually getting me sad. And since I do not do readings or healings unless my vibration is way up there, I make sure that prior to doing mission work, I am energetically clear.  The thing is, this constant shifting from lower vibrations and higher vibrations is exhausting. Until it got to a point where the office or the work I do there repelled me.

That’s saying something because I used to enjoy doing my work.  I was good at it. But I also feel that it was clipping my wings somewhat; that I could not expand the scope of my mission because I didn’t have time for it; and I was beginning to resent work because it took up time that I could spend taking care of my health. I want to get back to Keto and to start exercising again, but at the rate I’m going now, I don’t even have time to cook healthy food for myself.  Well, part of that is just fat justification. I have someone to cook for me but the truth of the matter is that I’m stress eating.  Hence, the carbs. Ugh.

Anyway, the guidance I was given was that it would be in my highest good to resign from my work and take the leap.  After that, many doors, even doors I didn’t think would open, would open for me.  Of course, I had free will, but if I continue doing the office thing, it would continue to drain me energetically.

I was given a timeline too.  Three months.  And I think that during the session, I already made up my mind because I feel so unburdened.  I actually cannot wait to get out of that pressure cooker and reclaim myself, my time, and even my BMI. It feels liberating.  Aaaahhhh.

Okay, I have to go talk to my twin now.