[REQUEST] A Gamgee Save

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At this point, I don’t know where to get the strength any more to fend off detractors, traitors, unnecessarily cruel people, or even just carry on with the business of surviving.  I feel like Frodo as he was when he was nearing Mount Doom, after he had gone through all the trials and tribulations Mordor had to offer, doing his best to fend off getting engulfed in the evil that was Sauron.

My heart is empty and stone cold.  After years of forgiving and giving second chances to these worthless cretins, I have no more compassion for those who do not learn their lessons despite my patience and tolerance.

I need a Samwise Gamgee to carry me the rest of the way.  I am about ready to fold in exhaustion, each day facing the world with my resting bitch face, worried, anxious and joyless.

I don’t know what else is being asked of me.  I’ve done what I could to help people evolve, sometime dishing out challenges for them where I was the one who inevitably ended up hurt and pained whenever they failed. I’ve accepted my lowly station in life as compared to my colleagues and peers without resentment or envy as much as possible, making do with what I have, earning my keep quantum meruit, and living within my means.

Whenever I ask my guides, or have someone else equally gifted ask theirs about my lot in life, the prospects are good.  After long years of waiting, it seems as though I would be reunited with my one true love, and that I would live in happiness and abundance.  Even when I’ve felt so down, the answers are still the same.  Whether I ask for a direct intuitive answer from my guides or if I use my tarot cards, still, the same answers.

What am I to make of that?

I honestly don’t know.  I’m scheduling stuff for the future.  Telling folks I’m going to this or that event, only for the heck of having something scheduled.  I don’t actually know if I’m going to make it.  I do what I’m tasked to do, but most of the time, when I find myself alone, I’m practically desolate and catatonic.  I don’t know what to do any more.

The cretins can go ahead and dig the holes of their own making deeper.  I’m done.  Still not mad at God or the Universe.  If this is what they have for me, then, that’s that, I guess.  In a world full of billions of people, I’m just a speck anyway.  Makes me kind of wish I was a special snowflake, but I’m not.  I just wish I had the joie de vivre that I had when I was much younger and hopeful, and filled with prospects of a future with love.  I just wish that I could tell everyone that it does happen, dreams do get fulfilled no matter how much tribulations you go through, and that it’ll all be worth it in the end.  I just wish that I could be a living testament to manifestation of my heart’s desires; that when I tell others to believe, it will not be empty words.

I’m tired.  I’m beaten.  I’ve never felt so much resignation as I do now.  I don’t know what will change this.  Only a miracle at this point, I presume.

Samwise Gamgee, where art thou?

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