Birthday Blahs

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First time ever that I’ve felt this way about my birthday.  I just feel so … old.  I don’t have any plans.  Since my dog-nanny is away on vacation and I’m not sure if he’s going to return, I’m not sure if I’ll have the strength to even just attend to them if I do decide to go out.  No one’s making plans with me and I’m not making plans either.

Birthdays used to be a big thing for me. I have thrown many memorable parties during my birthday. And here I am, not really certain if there’s something worth celebrating.

I just realized — well, not “just” because I’ve known this for a while, but I’ve lead a rather lonely and sad life.  For the past decade, my main love and “companion” has been my dog, Maximus, and even he is getting old.  I was having such a tough time trying to manage the cleaning, the feeding, errands, doing mission work without any help this morning that I brought all three of them to the groomers.  Groomers called to tell me that the two little ones were done, but that they were having difficulty with Maximus because he was nipping aggressively.  I gave them a piece of my mind — so, did they just groom nice dogs? He’s old and cranky and defensive because both his knees have been blown out. What I didn’t tell them though was that I was so so so so tired, and I lacked time to do the million other things on my to do list that I didn’t think I had the strength to bathe and groom him.

They ended up grooming him. But as I went to pick up the other two that had been finished — I live close by — and I saw Maximus in that muzzle, I nearly cried right then and there.  And I said to myself that even if I’m so tired, I’m going to do it next time.  We don’t have much time left with each other.  I’ m getting old.  He’s getting old.  And I know that he’s going to leave me someday. And when I was combing him at home and putting that home-made concoction of flea powder, I saw liver spots on his skin.  And I just started bawling my eyes out.

The entire time my twin hasn’t been around, Maximus kept me company, through all kinds of shit I’ve had to go through. And I know, know, know deep in my soul that he loves me with all his heart.  And I don’t know if my twin is ready for anything yet; he might take another decade or what and he’s old. He and my dog are about the same age in human years and with him in absencia and my darling Mooxie aging, that just triggered me to do major purging about abandonment.

I understand.  If my twin still can’t make an appearance or doesn’t even want to because he’s “built a life” with his family, I think I’m okay with that now.  I’m just asking God to please send me a companion to go through life with, to experience the now, in the physical, with. I’m always alone, mostly by choice, but it’s getting lonely. (Disclaimer — although I am up to my ears in busy now so hanging out for the sake of hanging out would also be out of the question.  I think I’ve met my quota twice over in “hanging out” during college.

I also want to get back in shape.  All this stillness to hear Spirit has gotten me back to the chunky side and hardly anything fits anymore.  My face filled out and I’ve been off keto for quite a while now.

This is so strange. I want to be still and active at the same time; alone and in the company of others at the same time. I want to be ALL of it.

Nightmares

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No househelp today.  My trusty manservant and dog nanny had a death in the family so I’m homebound doing chores and taking care of the furkids.  For some reason, I woke up really early this morning so by mid-morning, I was down from a nap.

Anyway, I was still in my room (in my dream) and when I woke up and opened the door to the hallway, I saw several workmen installing air conditioners in the hallway. My shoe racks which used to line the hallway were gone, and in its place were lighting and desks. My mom was there, supervising the workers, and apparently, they were getting ready to redecorate and give the house I live in to my sister and her family without telling me.  They planned to scale down and buy a place of their own but didn’t include me in their plans. (Now, that is what is happening in real life).

So, in my dream, I just blurted out and asked them. I was following them around the house (my house was mansionlike in my dream) and they were laughing and talking excitedly with my sister.  I was asking my dad what would happen to me and he just shrugged.  And I kept saying that he was bad and evil and I was so distressed, I was crying and screaming silently.

So, those are my fears coming up to the surface. Again.

Forced LOA

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Been down with the flu for the past 2 days where I spent most of my time just sleeping and wondering when my body malaise would just go away.  This came after I frantically rushed after my deadline at work in order not to incur the wrath of my boss.

So I wasn’t able to do the weekly readings nor was I able to do any work or make advances in any one of my projects.  I attempted doing some errands this morning, but that left me winded and weak.  I hardly have any voice and any sound that comes out of me sounds like a tortured frog, so readings are really out of the question.  Plus, I asked if I was well enough to do them and Spirit said no.  My head is starting to clear though, but because I can barely get any oxygen into my airways any sustained thought there is short-lived, lol.

I went from worrying how to do everything to not being able to do anything! Anyway, it’s all good.  A reset button, if you will.  I’ll know when I’m back in action when every little thing doesn’t get me cranky anymore.  Right now, only the company of my dogs are the ones that don’t irritate me.

I did get a reading last Friday about my dilemma about work vs. mission and the guidance I was given was to hang-in there until M comes around.  Just juggle and keep on balancing work, mission and other lines of business.  And when this flu finally hit, despite me wanting to carry on and get a headstart on my backlog in any of those areas, I just broke down crying and kept asking for assistance from my spiritual team, the angels, the Archangels and God.  I wasn’t even asking that my twin make an appearance and save me from making a choice, because I already know that regardless of the timing of when he makes his reappearance, I’ll still have to deal with this.

So this respite was good in that it forced me to rest, to detach myself from that frantic energy I had been living with in the past few weeks.  Being busy was good too because from what little I’ve skimmed through the TF groups, there’s a dissident faction out there insisting that all this TF stuff is make believe.  Basically though, they’re composed of the souls who have not yet embraced the concept of “no time” and want quick reward in the 3D timeline. I don’t blame them though. Maybe life would be happier just experiencing things in 3D; that is, if 3D is all you’ve experienced thus far.  If you’ve already merged with your twin if 5D, it’s very difficult to want anything else, especially if you’ve realized that it took you so many lifetimes to even come into that knowing.

I say it’s good that I was detached because, again, it keep clear focus if you don’t get involved in 3D politics.  I say politics because even though it doesn’t govern affairs of state, it’s how people interact which each other, trying to best each other’s school of thought.  It’s very 3D.  That’s why I was never attracted to Twin Flame teachers who jump on other people who may be misguided. Candace does that.  Says it brings out the — I forget which State she referenced — Detroit, maybe? — girl in her.  All that is tabloid and 3D drama, however which way you put it.

Does the sun have to convince the people on Earth that it shines? That it rises in the East and sets in the West?

No, it doesn’t. It just does.

And there will be people who may have been born inside a cave and lived all their lives in it, and the moment that they see sunshine, they will argue with you that no, life on earth is predominantly dark. In fact, sunshine is so rare that they don’t like it because they get blinded by it after having lived in a cave for so long.  But the cave is their home; their everyday; their life. So, no, they would not agree that sunshine is good for them.

There’s more to that analogy.  Unfortunately, brain has gotten foggy again and I think I need to lie down.  So until next time. Take care.

I Defer to My Higher Self

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Around two months ago, my parents told me that their Original Household in this religious group they belong to, all of whom have since become family friends, decided to go on a reunion.  It would be a cruise to the Norwegian Fjords and then a sidetrip to Scotland and London.  Some of the children of their friends would come and they invited me to come along too, of course, at my expense.

I was so excited! I have never seen the Norwegian Fjords and would have wanted to go castle hopping in Scotland.  And, London? Well, that would be the shopping part of the trip.  I’ve been to London already.

So I eagerly checked if it would be viable financially on my end, and yes, I had enough to make it happen.  But something was nagging me at the back of my head, so I decided to ask Spirit through my pendulum.  I asked if I should go on the trip.  No. Whuuutttt??? But I want to!!!  So, I ask again.  No.   Aww, c’mon.  Why not? And of course, it doesn’t get answered that way.  I ask one last time and, again, the answer was no.  Hmph.

So I go to my mom, kind of deflated, telling her that I can’t go.  She asks me why.  I tell her that I asked Spirit and it said no.  I even show her the pendulum, ask the same questions and was given the same answers on the spot.  (Yes, I know, I can be pesky)  I didn’t know why I wasn’t given the go signal to go on that trip, but I defer to the Higher Guidance.

Eventually, I found out why.  My parents didn’t get to go on that trip.  Why? They weren’t able to get their visas on time because of their own complacence (i.e. one of those karmic things that I am trying to help them clear).  And with the plane fare and cruise fully paid for and non-refundable, that went down the drain.  There’s more to the story — their having to make a cover story to cover up their own negligence, yadayadayada — bottom line is that for the cover story to hold up, they had to spend mega bucks on top of what they had already spent and had no reassurance in recovering.

Here’s the almost creepy part — had I disregarded the advice and went ahead arranging for the trip, the visas, the ticket, the cruise — all that would have been arranged by my parents since I was merely tagging along and my money would have gone down the drain as well.

So, thank you, Spirit.  🙂 I truly appreciate the heads up.

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I also had a Soul Dharma session today.  The reason why I asked for a session was because I was physically and emotionally exhausted with doing work and mission.  Work was getting too demanding and the pervading 3D energies at the office were actually getting me sad. And since I do not do readings or healings unless my vibration is way up there, I make sure that prior to doing mission work, I am energetically clear.  The thing is, this constant shifting from lower vibrations and higher vibrations is exhausting. Until it got to a point where the office or the work I do there repelled me.

That’s saying something because I used to enjoy doing my work.  I was good at it. But I also feel that it was clipping my wings somewhat; that I could not expand the scope of my mission because I didn’t have time for it; and I was beginning to resent work because it took up time that I could spend taking care of my health. I want to get back to Keto and to start exercising again, but at the rate I’m going now, I don’t even have time to cook healthy food for myself.  Well, part of that is just fat justification. I have someone to cook for me but the truth of the matter is that I’m stress eating.  Hence, the carbs. Ugh.

Anyway, the guidance I was given was that it would be in my highest good to resign from my work and take the leap.  After that, many doors, even doors I didn’t think would open, would open for me.  Of course, I had free will, but if I continue doing the office thing, it would continue to drain me energetically.

I was given a timeline too.  Three months.  And I think that during the session, I already made up my mind because I feel so unburdened.  I actually cannot wait to get out of that pressure cooker and reclaim myself, my time, and even my BMI. It feels liberating.  Aaaahhhh.

Okay, I have to go talk to my twin now.

 

 

Hanging in There

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I am exhausted. I feel the energies that come down aggressively and all I want to do is sleep, integrate them all and wake up refreshed. It would be great if, during these periods, we could just hibernate in a sleeping pod, traipse around in 5D with our twins in the most wondrous and magical settings and just wake up when it’s over.

But, no. There are deadlines at work and a boss breathing down my neck and that dream becomes the Nine of Swords. 

I’ve gained weight too chasing all these deadlines and im not happy making 3-4 outfit changes just because it’s become “tight”. 

All these things leave me burned out, cranky and irritable. And it’s not just me. Folks in my timeline are irritable as well. Mistakes are made. Impatience is everywhere; and it’s like a gaggle of geese running around with no direction and bumping into each other in their panic and haste.

I don’t even get to connect with my twin anymore. I just know he’s there, like I know I’ve got intestines inside me but I can’t see it. 

I’m not even looking forward to him saving the day, showing up and telling me that I can quit my day job.  If he does that, well and good, but I won’t be counting on it. For now, I’ve just decided to go with the flow and see how long I can take this set up where we’re loaded with work and some “officemates” — just go there to sit pretty and collect their paychecks.

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I had a curious thing happen to me last night when I was sleeping. I think I was traveling between timelines because part of it I was awake and part of it, I wasn’t.

All I remember was that the roof of my mouth (the upper palette) was itching tremendously.  My tongue kept scratching it and when the itch wouldn’t go away, I physically put my finger in my mouth to scratch.

It’s the first time that’s happened to me and I have yet to figure what it’s all about.

All I know right now is that I need rest and sleep. Otherwise, my 3D brain won’t work which it needs to.

Abracadabra

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It’s here! Finally got my new car yesterday.  I spent five hours at the dealership waiting for it to be ready and filling out some paperwork but I was able to bring it home.

She’s beautiful.  For some reason, I feel she’s a girl. I was told to give it a name but I can’t think of anything right now.  Maybe it will come to me.

On the drive home, I still felt incredulous.  I put a bit of gas.  Actually, the reason my thoughts are so choppy is because I think I still can’t believe that a lot of my car related worries will be alleviated.

When I got home, I headed straight to the church to hear mass and to have it blessed.  And my first passenger ever was Father! He was a guest priest who commuted to our parish and needed a ride to where he could hop on a bus.  Of course, I gave him one.  I felt it was an honor that my very first passenger was an emissary of God. It rained on the way too.  And I felt a surge of gratitude that I wouldn’t have to worry about the car conking out whenever there’s rain.

After that, when I got home, it just so happened that my parents were coming out of the gate, getting ready to bring home my nephews and nieces.  I offered to do it in the new car and I am so so grateful to have been given the opportunity to show and tell my parents without any tension.

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(NEXT DAY)

All the stress of the day before came down at me.  I was out! I slept well, but after a morning of trying to see if I had this document that the bank needed and just rifling through all my documents here  (I couldn’t find it) I slept the whole afternoon as well.

Turns out that the bank never gave me a copy. Pfft.  I asked why the dealer was asking me for my copy and the teller said that sometimes they try to get away with that, but that the bank had already sent them a copy.

Then I also had to get an RFID sticker to enter the village.  If I didn’t have that, I’d have to wait in line (and the queue is often looong) in order to get home.  So that was on top of my list.

And I was so nervous the entire day that my anxiety turned into diarrhea. Talk about a purge.  It’s a welcome change, but it’s still a change.  I’m a creature of habit.  I need to get used to things.

 

 

Dreams Coming True

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There are butterflies in my stomach right now, which I’ve been choosing to ignore for the past couple of hours by mindlessly scrolling through my FB retail feed hoping to score some really good designer shoes. Yes, I do retail therapy.  For the past months, it’s been tarot cards which shifted to crystals. After that, it was luxury bags, then now, shoes — which really doesn’t make any sense because I have more shoes than I can wear.  I could go through several months without repeating wearing a pair of shoes. Actually, the same goes for clothes.  That is, if there wasn’t a dress code every day.

Competitive shopping, bargain hunting — whatever you call it — it’s like cocaine to me.  I get a high whenever I score.

Anyway, I digress.  I was here to talk about the butterflies.

It is entirely possible that one of my dreams is coming true tomorrow.  I will finally be getting a new car.  My old trusty steed is a bit older than my years as a lawyer.  It was given on my graduating year in law school by my parents. We were rich then.  So it was top of the line, with sunroof and all the enameled borders with lux leather seats. My dad was in power then so it was easy to get vanity plates – my name and birthday.  So you can imagine how difficult it was to give it away.

I was never much for distance driving so it was well kept. Mileage was low.  Well-maintained and all that.  Until my exodus to the US where my series of unfortunate events (the dark *years* of my soul) took place and my car was left with the care of my parents.  Who lent it to my sister and brother-in-law. Who took it places. Far, far, places, carrying the heaviest cargo imaginable (i.e. sound stage equipment) and when I came back after a couple of years, not a thank you from them.  Nothing. In fact, I had to track it down because he (bro in law) left it in some mechanic’s place were it was stored for more than a month because he didn’t have the moolah to “bail it out” and pay for the repairs.

In fact, it was so run down that, initially, I felt shame driving it.  Especially whenever I would get together with my nose-up-in-the-air friends.  If before, I was the “family car” where everyone got to ride because I was so generous with it, I took no passengers because the car was literally crumbling inside.

But I brought it back to life.  That mechanic and his entire family have become close to me.  So much so that if I break down wherever in the city, they come get me and bring me home. They deliver my car after repairs to my house. And I am so grateful to them for keeping my trusty steed alive.

I’m going to miss that car.  I’m still going to keep it.  I tried to sell it once and was told that it didn’t have resale value, lol.  That it was just for personal use; that it was all it was good for.  But that car got me places I needed to go.  I know it’s ailments, how it coughs and sputters, which doors lock and which don’t  (didn’t really worry about getting robbed or carnapped even if some of the doors could just be opened at will because even the carnappers would scoff and pick a better model to nick). I’ve drained its battery to empty so many times because of my “energy spurts”.  And that car has brought me closer to God because every time it rains, I pray like I’ve never prayed before just so that it won’t conk out on the way home. That car was like my “Wilson” on Cast Away.

So I’m crying now as I write this and having mixed feelings. I am so, so grateful that I got to this point when, before, I lived under the premise of “until it gives out” and after that, I’ll make do.  The people around me who know I’m getting a new car are making a big deal out of it. My dad is negotiating his pride that he’s having difficulty getting a new car and has to use one that his “nemesis” lent out to him when I’ll be getting a new one.

I can’t do anything about that.

On my end, I’m glad that it’s come before the rainy season because, seriously, I get so stressed out driving when it starts to rain.  There was a time that the roof leaked into the car even.  Imagine that.  And I plan to fix “her” up once I get my finances in order again.

I feel that this is all part of the “new beginning” in store for me.  Before, it was prophesied that my twin would get me a new car.  And I banked on that.  Prayed that he would come sooner so that I could get a new car faster. Turns out that I had to get it myself. No biggie.  We do what we can in the now.

Okay. Tomorrow’s a big day.  Good night.