Sitting Under a Tree

That’s what I want to do right now. To sit under a tree in silence and not do anything. Of course, in my visual, the weather is good, not hot, just a cool autumn breeze.

Or I could curl up in bed and sleep.

I need to clear my head.

I need to relax. Get rid of this tension that has me shaking from the inside like a Psyker that needs to quell peril or else, she’ll explode. The not knowing is getting to me.

Instead, I have this very short list of things to do and it’s still stressing me out.

Why? Because my heart’s not in it.

Heck, I don’t even know where my heart is at right now. I thought I was okay with D fraternizing with my frenemy, H. But after yesterday’s game where I was waxing emo and throwing shade left and right, clearly, I am not okay with it. This is a case of foot and mouth disease though because I did tell D to go right ahead and add him to his friend’s list. (I deleted my message about promising to be okay with it because that was just untrue.) So that makes it more cringe-worthy – that I gave him the go ahead and then backtracked because I was clearly affected.

H was my sworn frenemy. He treated me like shit and got away with it.

Back then when D became my sounding board for all things H, he promised me that he wouldn’t befriend H. I even told him that if he did, it would be “friendship over” for the two of us. And now here, during our “timeout”, he goes and accepts H’s friend request that was languishing in his inbox for months. Then he gives me the lame excuse that he mistook the steam friend request while partying up to be the ingame only friend request.

Does he take me for an idiot? That’s already two strikes in one. If D wanted to hurt me, then he’s gotten what he wanted. If D wanted to sabotage whatever’s remaining of our friendship, then he might just have been successful at it. What I don’t understand is the cruelty of it all.

He already broke my heart by putting his foot down and telling me that he didn’t want to get to know me more, and that we would be nothing more than friends. I said fine.

He said that he wanted to play other games with other people. I gave him that. What I didn’t expect him to do was to hang out with my friends. So thank you for invading my supposed sanctuary during this “timeout”. Still, I took that in stride. It wasn’t really a problem for me to find other friends to play with. There are actually four guys (with their friends) whom I hung out with during the beta because D would play with the guys I usually play with.

To be fair, I rathered that he did play with folks in my home server. At least, I could see who he was playing with and spending time with instead of my imagination running wild and wondering. I even thought that it was nice of him to do that. Good faith, you know. Then this thing with H happened.

There’s a reason why, during TROs, parties are exhorted to maintain the status quo. Nothing that would rock the boat really because relations are already precarious. I would call this an aggravating circumstance. It feels like a betrayal of trust and confidence. And I kind of sort of know it is because my heart went on lockdown.

Yup, the store is closed. Sarado na ang tindahan. I feel like he picked H over me, that he didn’t put a premium on how I felt about H after a month and a half of spending half the day with him and baring my soul out. And when I saw them together in that game we played yesterday, it left a bitter taste in the mouth seeing them all chummy chummy like they had put up a club for Guys who Rejected Butter.

Out of all the guys out there he could play with, the 10M new players of V2, the randos he could be matched with in-game, D picks the one person I told him not to befriend. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound. I didn’t even tell him to not play with the guy. He could go ahead and do that. It was only adding H onto his friendlist that I entreated him not to do and which he promised me that he wouldn’t do.

So there’s that. Then, there’s the lie about how it went about. What am I supposed to do with that?

Obfuscation. That’s the state I’m in right now. Bristling mad from the inside because I gave D much more credit that I ought to have given him. I need to calm down. What I don’t know at this moment is if I will have calmed down enough at the end of our “timeout” to actually want to pursue being friends with someone who clearly doesn’t value me.

I was tempted to ask him why. My guides clearly and quickly prompted me with “you say it best when you say nothing at all” – that song, in my head, in response to my unspoken query. So i’m taking the dignified silence route.

I sure hope H was worth it.

Divine GPS, Activated

My search for answers and consolation led me to a consultation with Father.

Just a bit of a backgrounder – Father is one of the best well-kept secrets for those in need of healing and help. Unlike other lightworkers who peddle their services in a bid for worldly celebrity (and I’m not judging here, just telling it as it is), Father’s prowess has spread mainly through word of mouth.

My heart needed healing. I was looking for solace on a quiet Friday afternoon. So Father, with his guides, Santo Niño and Mother Mary, helped me gain some clarity on the situation.

Father said that whenever I pray the rosary, all I need to do is ask my question, close my eyes, and the answer that pops in my head is the answer to my question.

I should give D the space and time. Even if he played the “we can’t be more than friends” because yada yada yada card, Father said that was just an excuse. He really needs time to fix his problems with his family. So I should give him the entire period of our “timeout”, even more.

I shouldn’t worry anyway because things between us will return back to normal. Even if it’s under the label of “just friends”, duon pa rin papupuntahan nun. And by “there”, that would be relationship territory. He already has feelings for me and the feelings are mutual. When I asked why he kept harping about being “just friends” as though he had reached a verdict about us without even perusing the evidence or living our way into the answer, Father said that he was nahihiya or — i’m trying to translate that into English but can’t seem to find the exact sentiment behind it — sort of like he feels unworthy to get into a relationship with me because we’re at different stations in life and this inequality makes him feel so far behind. Father said I would have to take the lead in assuring him about that.

He’s stuck right now and doesn’t know what to do but think and mull about it. But no matter how much he cogitates about it, no answers are come forth. He might be a professional nurse, but he can’t leave his ailing grandmother whom his relatives left him in care of (including the ancestral house). He’s basically house-bound. He can’t go out to seek out his destiny and his relatives don’t want to entertain the thought of hiring a caregiver so he can go on about his life. (Father also said that his relatives sort of belittle him). Father said also that, unlike me, he’s stuck at just thinking about it while I think about it but pair it with action to get myself out of a situation. So the only way forward for him is to exercise his profession abroad.

But what about me?

I guess we’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

I told Father that he was waiting on a petition to get to the US. His dad would petition him. But I’m not exactly sure that that would push through. I told Father it was only a hunch I had. I felt that his dad didn’t really file the petition, and even if he did, it would only prosper if the petition was filed while he was still a minor. But he’s like my brother’s age now, and just like what happened to my brother (re his Canada petition), that was denied because he was overage. So here he is pinning his hopes on something that is unlikely to happen. And even then, his grandmother is still going strong into her 80s and who knows how long he’ll be stuck in that situation. Father didn’t contradict me, btw. That’s happened once before where he confirmed my reading or my hunch.

I told Father that while he’s sorting all these things out, I was okay with an online only relationship. And that my concern with the “just friends” verdict was that I didn’t want to bare myself, unsheath my heart to him and then find out that he’s looking for Ms. Pangasinan, or talking to someone else. Father said that he wouldn’t do that. He has no time for it. I have to be a friend to him more now because that’s what he needs. He doesn’t have anyone to talk out these problems with. He doesn’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of. At least, I had Father and all my other friends for support. And he’s really mabait – kind. That’s the kind of heart he has.

Father didn’t have any answers for me when I asked if I’d be attracted to him in person. Just that he’s not ugly; not particularly handsome – just right. And only I could say if his appearance was to “my taste”. So there. I have to be careful with his heart because, as Father said, it’s different when guys’ hearts get broken. It cuts deep.

I asked if we would be closer and if our connection will be deeper during this “just friends” phase and Father said yes.

As for me, everything that the Divine said would happen during our past consultations would still happen, Father said. That would mean weathering the next eight months. Well, it was eight months at the time of the reading which I didn’t take note of so I suppose the period is running, lol. There were still other guys slated for me, but if I pick D, then that would stop.

I kind of have an issue with the “other guys slated for me” thing. Not just ONE guy, but other guys. For me, that just translates to several other heartbreaks that I don’t care to have. On the other hand, I’m very much relieved that the future promised me is still there. The high paying job, the driver, the househelp, the house, wearing whatever I want and more – just being in a place where anxiety is minimized because one has the currency to pay for worldly things. Even the part where all my siblings would make peace with me because I was in a better place than them – i’m truly looking forward to that.

I should also tell him to pray more, if only to clear his head. Father floated the idea that maybe we could say the rosary together. I should also “invite” him to share his burdens with me. So that he would open up.

I asked when we would have a BF-GF relationship and Father said “pagkatapos maayos ang problema niya sa pamilya”. I forgot when that would be but Father mentioned something like three weeks or so. I don’t know.

So I guess right now, i’m more comfortable being friends with him because it comes with the ultra special mission of getting him unstuck.

The Pale Moon

Fuck me.

I’m in love again.

And heartbroken.

Again.

You would think that with my life in shambles – the election loss, the bankrupcy, the lack of a career, the jealous siblings, etcetera, etcetera – this would be the last thing I needed on my plate. But it’s there.

All I was looking for was “The Boyfriend App” – someone to keep me company while I dogpaddle my way into life again. And I actually found him, in-game. It was all fun and games at the start. Surrendered my decade long SA sobriety coin because, well, why not? Life sucks. Explore.

And that little adventure turned out to be a getting to know you that lasted for months.

He was perfect. He knew how to make me feel wanted, cherished. We laughed. We fucked. We played together. We talked well into the sunrise. We kept each other company and whenever we had a point of disagreement, we talked it out. He was sweet and loving. I could be myself with him.

But he was also so broken that he didn’t want a relationship.

Oh, but all I want is a virtual one, I said. A limited partnership. No real world obligations.

He still wouldn’t have it. He took commitment seriously. He took the title seriously.

I laughed.

We argued a bit about me being placed in the Friendzone box, but carried on as usual. It had no title but it felt like a real relationship. And I think I deserve a pat on the back this time since the guy was single and unmarried. Hooray for that. Except he was also emotionally unavailable.

We’ve had “The Talk” several times now. Honestly, it’s confusing, if you wade through the words. All he wanted is to be friends and nothing more. I wanted us to be something more but limited in scope. Despite the lack of a label to it, if it quacks like a duck…you know how that goes.

Here’s the thing. I knew he had fallen for me way before my own epiphany. No one would spend half the day, lose precious sleep, with someone if they didn’t at least like them. I felt it. His patience, his kindness, his all over consideration of my well-being. He didn’t know my name, but he found out what I looked like by accident when I texted him on his mobile during a power outage, clumsy me forgetting that my phone number was linked to my Telegram on which I had a profile picture. It was an unplanned face reveal.

He seemed totally fine with what I looked like. Even changed the chat background to heart. Still, I didn’t ask him for his picture in return. He offered to cam; I declined.

That was my insurance. My escape clause. I felt that if I didn’t know what he looked like, we could still carry on with whatever picture I had in my head of him. I didn’t want reality to seep in just yet because it felt so good. And if I didn’t know what the guy looked like, then I wouldn’t be invested. For all I know, he could look like the ugliest dude on the block that I wouldn’t want to be seen with. What then? Game over. Yeah, sometimes, I’m shallow like that.

But like I told him, I have to evolve. Most men from my past were way good looking but they ended up breaking my heart. This time around, I wanted to revel in the substance and not the packaging. At least, that’s what I was trying to do — taking my time, seeing if the important relationship building blocks were there so that if he turned out ogre-ish, my newly evolved self would see through the physical and pick the heart of gold.

When he threw me a curve ball just a couple of hours after he stayed vigil with me the entire night and morning so that I wouldn’t be late to my mom’s death anniversary mass, I felt blindsided. Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he just decided to set all these boundaries when things were going so good a couple of hours before. (I even heard him kiss me through the phone). It was like he panicked and he couldn’t shove me far enough with a ten-foot pole.

Oh, it hurt. (still does)

I cried while he was telling me how things were going to be like between us moving forward. I cried after. It felt like a break-up, a very one-sided one. Even then, I knew it was my ego that was shattered the most. Not my heart. Nope. I wasn’t in love with him. I asked the cards. I asked my pendulum. Nope, I wasn’t in love with him. Confirmed.

So this just friends thing, I don’t know how that’s going to go. He was trying to keep it going at first – chatting, calling. But I felt like I was being given crumbs. Told him what he did was like a team kill and I didn’t know how we could go on with being friends if I felt shaken and stirred like a martini.

I asked for a time-out. Two weeks no contact, no calls, no chats, no playing games together – so I could reset and go on “just friends” mode. He agreed.

And that’s where we are today.

And I’m still confused. He said he wanted to play with other people, to grind the game that just dropped by his lone wolf self (without me as originally planned), but he ends up playing with MY friends, in MY hangout. Of all the corners of the gamer’s galaxy, he picks my safe place to hang out in during this time out. But I was so glad he did that. For me, it was his way of telling me what he’s doing. So I can see for myself instead of getting anxious about not knowing who he’s playing with.

And fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. All of a sudden my heart broke. All the feelings I had for him came rushing down like a wall of water breaking a dam to flow free.

Now, I have ten days to get my act together before I present myself to him as “the friend and friend only”.

Fuck me.