First time ever that I’ve felt this way about my birthday. I just feel so … old. I don’t have any plans. Since my dog-nanny is away on vacation and I’m not sure if he’s going to return, I’m not sure if I’ll have the strength to even just attend to them if I do decide to go out. No one’s making plans with me and I’m not making plans either.
Birthdays used to be a big thing for me. I have thrown many memorable parties during my birthday. And here I am, not really certain if there’s something worth celebrating.
I just realized — well, not “just” because I’ve known this for a while, but I’ve lead a rather lonely and sad life. For the past decade, my main love and “companion” has been my dog, Maximus, and even he is getting old. I was having such a tough time trying to manage the cleaning, the feeding, errands, doing mission work without any help this morning that I brought all three of them to the groomers. Groomers called to tell me that the two little ones were done, but that they were having difficulty with Maximus because he was nipping aggressively. I gave them a piece of my mind — so, did they just groom nice dogs? He’s old and cranky and defensive because both his knees have been blown out. What I didn’t tell them though was that I was so so so so tired, and I lacked time to do the million other things on my to do list that I didn’t think I had the strength to bathe and groom him.
They ended up grooming him. But as I went to pick up the other two that had been finished — I live close by — and I saw Maximus in that muzzle, I nearly cried right then and there. And I said to myself that even if I’m so tired, I’m going to do it next time. We don’t have much time left with each other. I’ m getting old. He’s getting old. And I know that he’s going to leave me someday. And when I was combing him at home and putting that home-made concoction of flea powder, I saw liver spots on his skin. And I just started bawling my eyes out.
The entire time my twin hasn’t been around, Maximus kept me company, through all kinds of shit I’ve had to go through. And I know, know, know deep in my soul that he loves me with all his heart. And I don’t know if my twin is ready for anything yet; he might take another decade or what and he’s old. He and my dog are about the same age in human years and with him in absencia and my darling Mooxie aging, that just triggered me to do major purging about abandonment.
I understand. If my twin still can’t make an appearance or doesn’t even want to because he’s “built a life” with his family, I think I’m okay with that now. I’m just asking God to please send me a companion to go through life with, to experience the now, in the physical, with. I’m always alone, mostly by choice, but it’s getting lonely. (Disclaimer — although I am up to my ears in busy now so hanging out for the sake of hanging out would also be out of the question. I think I’ve met my quota twice over in “hanging out” during college.
I also want to get back in shape. All this stillness to hear Spirit has gotten me back to the chunky side and hardly anything fits anymore. My face filled out and I’ve been off keto for quite a while now.
This is so strange. I want to be still and active at the same time; alone and in the company of others at the same time. I want to be ALL of it.