Monthly Archives: January 2016

I Alone


broken heart

I was taking a Facebook quiz — one of those quizzes where you answer a bunch of questions and they tell you what color aura you’ll have in 2016 — and one of the questions was, “What do you feel about being single for the rest of your life?”

It’s a good thing that one of the options there was, “I don’t know”, because I don’t. So, here I am trying to sort this thing out.  What do I feel about it?

Resigned, primarily.  I hate it when I see posts on social media that pronounce to all and sundry that they are “happily single by choice”, because chances are, if they had a choice, they would be together with the ones they love. So, I think the more honest version would be “happily single because I didn’t have a choice”.

Sad.  Because I’ve morphed from a hopeful romantic into an unrecognizable pile of bitterness and bile that’s turned putrid over time.

Passed over.  When I watch couples on tv or in real life doing the most mundane things not even realizing that they’re exchanging moments of affection or tenderness because it happens so often, I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won’t ever get to experience that. What’s worse is that this isn’t like watching a man land on the moon and knowing that I can’t do the same thing.  Or seeing some tweenager crowned Miss Universe and knowing that I’ll never do a victory walk on the stage.  This is something that doesn’t need credentials; that even ugly — okay, let’s euphemize — even not so aesthetically and visually pleasing people — get to do; that even those bordering the poverty line get to find; that doesn’t need a GPA requirement to be met — well, you get the picture.

Dead on the inside.  At least where my heart is concerned.  Like Water for Chocolate.  The matches in my box are all wet.

My dreams are gone.  I don’t know what to say about that. All of a sudden I have no plans.  Just breathe, eat, work, get through the day, and on the off-chance that I get invited to some event — show up.  Then, post evidence of it on FB so that I would have a semblance of a life and some human connection.

Afraid of knowing what lies ahead.  Now, this is new.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a fan of fortune telling or anything that has to do with prophesying what the Universe had in store for me.  These days, I’m actually scared to find out.  Rather, scared to get confirmation that “this is it”.  I still get readings; I still look at my cards myself, and the cards are good, but they never seem to reflect what’s really going on in real life.

Actually, I’m more afraid of hearing news about him and knowing for a fact that he’s moved on with someone else.  That would make me unravel.  And I don’t want to get mad at him for the choices he’s made. There’s still enough love in me for that.

So I don’t know.  It feels like I’m in the theatre, trying to make it to the ending of a crappy B movie just because I’m stuck to my seat.

I’m looking forward to living an uninspired and loveless life — said no one ever.


The Soul Mantra


While surfing the web last night, I came across the soul mantra which I, surprisingly, had forgotten over the course of time.

I am the soul,

I am the monad,

I am the light divine.
I am love,

I am will,

I am fixed design.

It had been a while since I uttered that mantra. So, I did. 

My reading after that was very nice. I understood the story being told by the cards, as though the answers were being whispered in my ear. It was an immediate understanding.

And even though I tried alternative ways to look at the cards, it didn’t make sense. So I suppose my first take on it was correct.

I woke up feeling connected to and loved by M. It felt wonderful. Like everything was right in the world. 😊

On the drive to work, I was prompted to stay alert for signs.

The first one that resonated with me was “Everest”. Ever. Rest.

Good God, was I going to die?

I asked for a clarificatory sign and I got “Bujoy”, the name of a taxicab. Be. You. Joy.

Holeeee fucktard. Did that mean I was going to die and go to heaven where I could be pure joy?

Despite the positive tenor of the signs, I was about to freak out. Okay, one more try. This time, it was a sign painted on the side of a truck. It said, “Have the Son shine in your life!”.  And the graphic of the word “Son” was superimposed with a “Sun”.

To recapitulate:

  1. Ever. Rest.
  2. Be You. Joy.
  3. The sun/son will shine in my life.

Hmmm. I don’t think it means I’m crossing over – though I hope I’m not wrong. 

I do think that my guides are telling me that my ordeal will soon be over or that I should relax because I will be happy soon and the sun will shine on me once more.

It was a very uplifting message. I just hope that that “Joy” will include M.

Call Me Grumpy


I was an absolute grump tonight at one of the last socials of the holiday season.

For context, in my country, the holiday season starts late September and lasts until mid-January.  I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense, but despite all the parties we’ve attended the prior year, there is a two week window for post-holiday celebrations with the groups of friends that you weren’t able to meet up with because one’s social calendar was already jam-packed before New Year.

And now, I’m exhausted, congested, irritable and with no filter.  Even my best friend was getting on my nerves with her name dropping and constant pursuit of gourmet food, Michelin-starred chefs, designer bags, and travel.  I just found it to be so pretentious, but I suppose had I been in a better mood, I would have just ignored it and not let myself be bothered by it.

Part of my angst was the realization that, after getting together with all my various groups of friends, that I was indeed financially poor. No, I can’t buy that Hermes Birkin on a whim.  I can’t just get a new car even if mine is already falling apart and I have to indian sit by the roadside because all I can afford is to superglue the driver car door handle so that I can get inside it.  I can’t just join in the conversation that starts with, “We were planning to go to Greece this summer.”  Or have a ready answer to, “We’re going to Vegas for our reunion; are you going?”

And although I know that these conversations are inevitable in this worldly dimension, that happens to be the dimension I’m living in right now.  Yes, there are moments when the more divine part of my nature shines through and there is respite somewhat, but this dimension is where I’m at right now.  Here.  In this world, in this time, in this place — where I happen to be poorer than my companions.

So, I suppose that since I’ve thrown my love life out the window for the moment, that the creation of wealth will be my preoccupation the rest of my days.  How very  hoi polloi of me.

Anyway, I think my loner side wants to kick in.  I need some peace, quiet, and serenity. Even just to come to terms with how stupid my pre-soul contract self was.

There’s an incongruence between what the cards say, what my guides say, what the signs say and what my reality is, and I can’t figure it out.

The Homecoming


“Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination…”

– What’s Up?, 4NonBlondes


I don’t think I’ve fully recovered yet from Homecoming Weekend.  I think I was drunk for four entire days.  My voice is hoarse and I sound like a villain in a horror movie;  I’ve been leaving around a trail of tissues since getting this massive cold; and my body malaise has lingered around despite having two massages already.

Of course, it was fun getting in touch with all the girls I grew up with.  We all had our own stories to tell.  Most have been divorced/annulled or are in the process of getting one, often because they got cheated on by their husbands.  Heck, even the lone lesbian in the group, the very butch one, got cheated on by her girlfriend. Others were still in loving marriages although had their share of husband bashing.  Very few, like me, have remained single, although all of us would have rather we didn’t.

But all of them seemed financially set, except for me.  They had their own houses, cars with drivers, businesses, investments.  They could afford to go on trips on their own steam.  And I think, more than being forlorn, this is what got to me the most.  Because even if I was single, being abundantly wealthy, would have taken the sting out of that.  Although no one was outrightly judgemental about my situation, I could feel how they segregated me when they talked about other stuff.

The most successful one in our batch, IMHO, is a dermatologist with a very lucrative practice.  She’s got A-list clients left and right.  And I can’t even afford her services, except for the very basic ones.  She was talking about this mystic who gave out Millenium Healings for A-list people.  When I asked how much the service cost, expressing interest in the matter, she was hesitant to tell me.  Actually, I felt that she was even discouraging me from it because it was well beyond my price range.  That stung.

I was interested because I wanted to know if I “needed” the service, given that I’m an activated starseed indigo with powers of my own.  And after perusing what the service was about, heck, I can even provide the service to others myself, and whatnot, except that I don’t because that takes an exceptional amount of energy and more than being a “healer”, I am primarily an anchor for higher frequency energies which is taxing in itself.  In other words, I’d serve the Universe better by “mass broadcasting” instead of just focusing on the humans one at a time.  It’s a pretty cool job.  I don’t have to do much, just be myself.  However, it does have its drawbacks.  One, I don’t get to monetize it like those who do specific healings or readings which, again, I understand because that would detract me from having an energy reign in my vicinity; and two, the dispensing karma part of my divine nature is the one that gives me much pain and suffering because most of the humans I dispense the tests to fail miserably and hurt me in the process.

But, again, I understand.  The consequences of their failings have to be lived out by me too in this 3D world, even if they are excruciatingly slow in manifesting, despite being immediate in the other dimensions.  It sucks, but then again, that’s the way it works.

During the festivities, even though I was in a celebratory mood, I realized that I am more pensive and quiet than most.  There was this girl there, however, that was simply loud and annoying.  It was like standing next to a megaphone that she liked to hog.  No, I didn’t like her at all.  I’ve pegged her as a vexation to the spirit, like a mosquito that keeps buzzing nearby that you can’t seem to swat. She does have her funny moments, but more often than not, she makes me feel like playing whack-a-mole.  And she’d be the mole.

Anyway, even if I’d like nothing more than to just chill and sleep off my congested chest and nose, I have to get to work.


Flowing with the Universe


The first few days of the new year has brought on a wonderful oddness.  It seems that I just think of something I desire or prefer, let it go, go on about my business, and then events conspire to bring it to fruition with an ever surprising smoothness of timing.

To illustrate a couple of incidents:

ME:  My best friend from the US had already told us time and again that she wouldn’t be coming home for our 25th year Homecoming.  I was disappointed, just like the rest of our friends, and although they were chiding me to pressure her, as BFF, I was in the peculiar position to “understand” where she was coming from.  So, I did.  I did not force her, pressure her, nor guilt-trip her about her decision.

THE UNIVERSE: Two days ago, she called me up out of the blue to tell me she got a reasonably priced flight and with encouragement coming from her husband, she’d be joining the festivities after all!

Now, this was a more than pleasant surprise because I had suffered in silence and loneliness throughout the holidays. SO much so that I declared I’d play hermit for a while to lick my wounds in private and I decided that my participation in the Homecoming, despite being part of the Executive Committee, would be relegated to “substantial compliance”. With this development, I am actually looking forward to it!


ME:  I’d been juggling my finances ever since the holidays since most of my Christmas bonus had been eaten up by car repairs and all that. In fact, I had wanted several things:  a) to have enough to celebrate the birthdays of my dog and her nanny; b) to buy a cake for my dad on his birthday; c) to be able to give the “entrance fees” to the other Homecoming Activities.

THE UNIVERSE:   I was able to do everything I planned in my head.

RE: NANNY and DOGGY GIFTS – I followed my instincts to bring them to the park on Saturday instead of Sunday.  Perfect timing since there happened to be a Christmas bazaar in the park whose last day was Saturday.  So many inexpensive nice things there and I was able to give sneakers and a watch to the nanny AND buy for myself two watches that I had been meaning to buy for myself but “couldn’t find” last Christmas.


ME:  There’s more to it than that.  I wanted to buy a whole batch of spaghetti for the celebrations of their birthdays AND wanted to get J. Co. Donuts (I’ve been going nuts for Avocado DiCaprio).  I decided to go pick it up instead of having it delivered to the house since I wanted to get donuts too and they didn’t deliver.  My only concern was parking in front of the restaurant was sketchy and I didn’t want to get stressed.

THE UNIVERSE:  When I called to have them prepare the order for pick up, they told me they moved to a new address on the same street.  So, ummm, okay.  When I got to the area, I headed for the donut shop first because that’s what I was familiar with and, guess what?  The new branch of the restaurant I was picking up my order at was IN THE SAME BUILDING as the donut shop! And parking was available right as I arrived.


ME:  As I said, funds were running low and I was getting anxious since I couldn’t really avoid not going to homecoming related activities since I was part of the Execom.

THE UNIVERSE:  Two days ago, I chanced upon an FB post that said the cover charge of one of the events was going to be waived!


ME:  Again, funds were running low –are you starting to get the pattern to this? — and I was really counting on getting the “allowance” we get at work which we get some time during the first week today, in time for my dad’s birthday tomorrow. I was on a strict budget and funds were meager already, not even enough to buy a decent cake.  However, when I followed up at the office, some signatory wasn’t able to sign and chances were I’d get it tomorrow or the next day.  That would still be too late since I’d need to “present my gifts” first thing in the morning.  But I let it go and just thought that whatever I had prepared would have to do. I had bought a gift for him already during my Christmas shopping (foresight!), and the cake was just an extra touch.

THE UNIVERSE:  We had a surprise visitor in the office today, an old family friend who was visiting from the US that my dad had a falling out with.  He also happened to be my godfather (which I also forgot until he reminded me of it).  We had a nice time catching up and just as he was about to leave, he goes, ‘Hey, I’m your godfather! I can’t just leave without giving you something.’  And he hands me $100.  Whoopee! I have something to buy dad’s cake AND tide me over.


ME:   I had been looking for a booster seat for my disabled dog ever since I noticed that he couldn’t look out the car window because he couldn’t prop up his knees to support him while peering out.  I had been looking for booster seats for pets, but couldn’t find any available locally.  I then started looking into the kids section in the department store to see if there were any toddler couches/seats that would make do.  Nada.  They were too big and too pricey.  So I let it go.  I had already made an effort.

THE UNIVERSE:  I decided to watch a movie in the spur of the moment.  On the way to buying tickets, there was a pop-up store in the mall of stuffed toys.  I saw this big purple bunny that was a toddler’s couch.  It was PERFECT!  It was just high enough that my dog didn’t need to strain to peer out the window.  The big bunny head fit right in when the seatbelt was placed so that the seat wouldn’t move around.  The bunny — which I have now named Donnie Darko — was cute enough that it didn’t look like some trailer trash DIY project.  Best of all — it was within my limited price range! When I asked the salesperson if there were others more like it — other stuffed animal-types like a duck or a bear, he said that there was none and that was the only “toddler stuffed toy couch” left.  Like it was left for me! Of course, I got it then and there.


ME:  On the actual day of my dog’s birthday, I wanted to have a treat for her.  Buy her a whole host of barbecued meat, or buy a customized cake from a pet bakery — just anything.  But again, funds were running low and, besides, my time of month came and I was cramping and just wanted to get home from the office to rest.  I was in no physical condition to go hunting for bargains at the mall, brave traffic and fight over parking.  So I decided that it was okay.  She would understand if we celebrate her birthday when funds were more available. And I just headed home.

THE UNIVERSE:  On the way home, I remembered that there was a cupcake shop nearby which also sold treats for dogs.  It was on a long street which had a strip of restaurants but I didn’t remember quite where.  I was just hoping it wasn’t too far off.  It took no more than a five minute detour to find it. (Very near the turn!) Not only that, but there were pupcakes available even though they usually required an advance order and it was within my budget! I was even able to buy home-baked treats for them because they weren’t exorbitantly priced as others the same kind were! My doggie was able to celebrate her birthday!


ME:  I was fuming mad because despite having had no internet service for one whole billing period, my ISP had the gall to send me a bill charging me for it. Since my BP already skyrocketed talking to customer service who couldn’t do shit to address my concern, I decided to endorse it to a good friend who used to work there.  She did forward it to them and they came back giving me a rebate of only 1/10th of my original claim.  Duh!!! Instead of going ballistic on my friend to vent out, I calmed down and pleasantly explained again my predicament.  She told me to write her again, this time, not recounting the entire incident and just stating that I wanted a refund for the entire month.  I did.  But since everyone else who works there who wasn’t in top management was a roundabout robot, my expectations weren’t high.  So I let it go.  I pegged it as a “loss” already.

THE UNIVERSE:  Today, I get an email from them saying that all the charges for the entire month have been reversed! Since I had overdue charges but still paid for the unserviced month, I’m not in the red anymore with the rebate and all! Yay!


There’s lots more little serendipitous things that have been happening to me.  I really think it has something to do with the cleansing ritual I did on New Year AND my Forth, Eorlingas! motto.

I’m very grateful for that the Universe has allowed me to thrive with all these gifts from out of the blue.  In fact, because I feel light inside, I’ve begun to sing to my doggies again — those stupid silly songs I make up and sing to them when I’m not bogged down by worries.

I do hope that the Universe continues to surprise me.  It’s a hope; not an expectation.  And when something wonderful comes my way, I can feel the change in my heart, like it’s singing a sweet, sweet song of joy, happiness and gratitude that only my unseen friends, ever present guides and angels can hear.



Starseed. Can Confirm.


I think one of the things I hate most in this 3D life on this planet is having to wake up at a particularly awfully early time because the world economy is better off having similar business hours.

It sucks. I happen to like the night time.  I thrive in it. Before I discovered I was starseed, I even thought I was a vampire, at least, when it came to sleep patterns.

Anyway, because I was waiting for sleep to come after taking a dose of Melatonin, I came across this website. It just amused me that in its list of “other factors indicating a starseed identity”, I could check off the whole lot of them.

Here’s the list:

1. They have an intense sense of loneliness. – CHECK.

2. They feel like they don’t belong in their earth family. – ABSOLUTELY

3. They have a fascination with the stars and feel as though their home is out there, but they can’t remember where. – WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONOMER WHEN I WAS YOUNG (turns out I was one already in a past incarnation).
4. They begin to question the ways of earth at an early age. Many are the black sheep of their family. – BAA. BAA. Yessss. BAA.
5. They are drawn to metaphysics seeking answers to why they feel so alone and why they don’t seem to fit in on earth. – THE POINT OF THIS BLOG, ACTUALLY.
6. Many have an adversarial relationship with the parent of the opposite sex. – MY FATHER.  MY LIFE’S DARTH VADER.
7. The majority of starseeds have the facial shape of their mother but the remainder of their physical body is like that of their fathers, or the other way around depending on which parent is the real parent, the starseed parent from off planet. This is done for a reason. – FACE OF MOM, BODY OF DAD VADER.
8. The majority of starseeds carry the Crystal Gene for DNA Recoding/Ascension. The crystal gene enables them to easily channel and access beings on other dimensions as well as recode their DNA. – CRYSTAL GENE ACTIVATED. NOW SPORTING CRYSTAL MATRIX TO BETTER ENDURE HIGHER FREQUENCY DOWNLOADS.
9. Lower than normal body temperature and inability to handle heat. – AND HUMIDITY.

Got this from the site too:

The starseed child looks more like the earth father to ensure that they are accepted by that parent at birth. In the majority of cases the real father of the starseed is not of human origin.

And I am actually glad for that because my earth father is … well, I have no words.  He was part of my mission, to evolve him and the rest of my earth family, but regardless of what I did to help, regardless of the suffering and pain it caused me, they refused to learn.  That’s why the Karmic Board stamped me “Mission Completed”.

Despite my giving them heads up of my true nature and the karmic repercussions of treating me like crap, they continue to do it.  Oh, well.

I know that a better situation is in store for me where I can perform my starseed functions better.  I just hope it will come soon.


Ascension 2016; an abundant prosperous year for some, and a continued year of healing and transformation for others.

Ascension 2016; an abundant prosperous year for some, and a continued year of healing and transformation for others.

I don’t think it was by chance that I came across this message from someone who liked my post several days ago. It certainly resonates with the message I was given by my guides. “Stay humble, grateful, and hopeful and more abundance will come to you.” Thank you, Whitelightninja. 🙂


Earth is only a footstool of man in his ascension to higher regions“. -Helena Blavastsky


There was two messages. What I heard loudly and clearly is that there are those who have heeded the call and surrendered and that have been preparing, and then there are those still clinging to their old ways of doing things, which consistently is getting them the same negative results. Many are dealing with grief, pain, and many trials and tribulations.

Here is a message for both groups.
2+0+1+6=9 Nine is a powerful number of completion endings and new beginnings. Every 7 & 9 years we go through a physical change and every 9 years we go through a profound spiritual change. ( at age 7,14,21,28,35,42,49,etc.)( at age 9,18,27,36,45,54, etc.)

The central focus of…

View original post 2,367 more words