It’s been a while since I’ve gotten anywhere remotely near the 5th Dimension. Why? Because plans go awry. Go figure.
At the onset of Q4 of last year, I was riding tail to get all my deliverables at work, well, delivered. The original plan was to spend Thanksgiving in the US, redeem the airline credits I still have left before they expire by visiting Chicago or someplace else, then go to Hawaii with my extended family. However, I decided not to go (my sister was being a bitch again regarding me going on the same flight with her family) because — priorities. I’d rather save my money for a rainy day or for rent or a downpayment just in case I get evicted (again).
Segue to Plan B which was to use the time during Christmas to reconnect to my viewers and subscribers, get my other online business up and running to raise funds for rent/DP.
But even that was thwarted. As soon as I turned in my last Decision of the year, my boss slaps me with a high-profile consolidated case with tons and tons of dockets which, IMO, would have better been used as kindling for the fireplace.
For more than a month, I was eating, sleeping, breathing the case. I didn’t go out. Didn’t get to catch any Christmas Bazaars, missed the Simbang Gabi (Dawn Masses). Nada. The moment I woke up in the morning, I was on it, racing to beat my deadline. I would sleep near dawn every single day too tired to even fix the dockets strewn all over my bed.
And Plan B flew out the window.
In a way, though, I think it was good that I was busy during that time instead of moping and reveling in the fear of what unknown future would befall me. Heck, I didn’t even get to read “The Other Side of Suicide” when this break was supposed to give me time to contemplate whether or not I would push through with it.
What I ended up doing was — work. I dove full into the Holidays (Christmas Day/New Year’s Day) not being sentimental because as soon as I turned in my draft on the last working day of the year, there was another pile of dockets from the backlog because I had to focus on *the case*. In fact, I’m still dealing with that. I kind of want to get that under wraps before I go head on into YA and online selling again.
What I also ended up doing since I was under “house arrest by deadline” was shop online. It was like I was making up for not actually going to the US by shopping my entire ticket price. I couldn’t go out to shop for Christmas gifts either so I shopped online. And I wanted to give nice gifts to everyone. Especially since, I was thinking, this could be the last holidays that I would spend with my family in this house.
Anyway, the holidays are over, but my backlog isn’t. The savings that I was hoping to put aside from all the Christmas bonuses are dwindling, mostly because I’ve been investing on myself. I want to take care of myself this year, on all fronts — health, diet, skin, finances. I’ve been also fixing my brain (my pc) and all the extensions of it, updating software, etc. Been replacing worn out things with new ones. Basically, just making sure that I’m all set as much as I can prepare myself to be so.
During the last week of November, I got a reading from Joy and as far as me and my TF reuniting, it’s still an “uphill climb” (those are the exact words that she used). In essence, we still have to go through our individual challenges; he still has to admit to himself that he’s not happy in his current set up wherein he’s living his life for others; and I have to end my karmic contracts with my family and see to it that I stand on my own two feet. IOW, survive the sale of the house and the migration of my entire family. So how’s that for a jolly forecast? It’s like getting a fortune cookie that says, “You’ll be going through some tough shit this year because your soul chose it.” Fuck. Looks like this year will be “The Year for Searching for Silver Linings”. Miss Universe, Caitriona Gray, would approve.
I did get a clarificatory reading from Joy this morning. Basically, my folks will try to help me out with proceeds of the house but how yet depends on how it will play out. My dad is inclined to “set me up” instead of just giving me the money, but this set up will have strings attached so he will have some semblance of control over it. (Joy said though that he will me more focused on his new life so the “control” will be merely illusory) My mom wants to give me cash so that I’d have the freedom to choose where to live, but she still doesn’t know how the sale will pan out, plus she needs to set aside for their own “new life without me” also.
As for being the most prosperous out of all my sisters, she said that I had the “potential” to be that, even if I was unmarried. She clarified that even if it seemed that my sisters were richer than me, despite having that “potential” to get to the number one spot, it may not even matter to me anymore. (WTF. That would mean that I just probably gave up already.)
However, when she checked what the situation would be if I were partnered up, she said that “nothing would change”. She started saying something about how other people’s financial karma could be affected by a spouse who wanted to be more prosperous, but then cut herself off. She just said that it was good in a sense that — and I’m editorializing here because I can’t remember her exact words — that he wouldn’t bring me down, and that it didn’t matter if I was unmarried or not. What was important to my “soul” was that I would achieve whatever heights that I wanted to achieve in my own way. That it may take longer than others, but (insert words of consolation here).
So, after all that, just what exactly would Mr.-Nothing-Would-Change bring to the table? I ask because in her reading, all my partnered up sisters are receiving financial help and support from their spouses contributing to their “total wealth”. Did she just peg me down as a Sugar Mommy in the future? Would I be the female lion that goes out for the hunt while the male lions just bask in the sun and take credit for it?
In that scenario, it would be like I was paying for a male consort, a companion to warm my bed and my loins and go to the movies and the supermarket with. Then, I would justify my chosen lifestyle by saying that “with true love, there is no accounting” which is true, until the split. (And I call it that because there’s still no divorce in my jurisdiction)
Whoever got excited about an “uphill climb”? I hate transitions. They’re dastardly uncomfortable. I’ve been subjected to it time and time again and I’ve hated each and every one of them. This is why I’ve got such a short memory when it comes to things like those. You get into survival mode and there’s no room for sentiment. I honestly cannot remember the last days or weeks that I’ve spent in a place I’ve lived in and loved and had to leave. That’s my coping mechanism. Block out that part that was so distasteful. Being told that I’ll have to go through that over again isn’t exactly the “jolly good time” that I had been visualizing since 2008. (BTW, I think I can declare that experiment as a FAIL)
And as for my TF Relationship — or lack thereof — he’s lost; i’m lost; we’re of no help to each other in our worldly lives, so what of it? The word Compassion keeps repeating over and over in my head, but I’m losing my patience when it comes to being compassionate towards idiots. My currency is the heart; their currency is logic or some other real world currency that leaves me beat up. If all Joy (and all the rest of it — Finances, etc.) is to be generated by me, myself, and I, and there is no one that will bother to be compassionate towards me or to go out of their way to share their joy with me, I’m reminded of the time that I got so frustrated with Big Dick Tom and just when we were starting to get ourselves hot and bothered, I said, “Let’s get this over and done with.” Ha. How romantic. /s He got all irritable after that and said that I ruined the mood. But if it was just a transactional recreational thingy, then why bother to keep up the pretense of a romance. It would only be for his amusement, not mine.
So there. I just want to get this over and done with. Fuck that uphill climb.