Hanging in There


I am exhausted. I feel the energies that come down aggressively and all I want to do is sleep, integrate them all and wake up refreshed. It would be great if, during these periods, we could just hibernate in a sleeping pod, traipse around in 5D with our twins in the most wondrous and magical settings and just wake up when it’s over.

But, no. There are deadlines at work and a boss breathing down my neck and that dream becomes the Nine of Swords. 

I’ve gained weight too chasing all these deadlines and im not happy making 3-4 outfit changes just because it’s become “tight”. 

All these things leave me burned out, cranky and irritable. And it’s not just me. Folks in my timeline are irritable as well. Mistakes are made. Impatience is everywhere; and it’s like a gaggle of geese running around with no direction and bumping into each other in their panic and haste.

I don’t even get to connect with my twin anymore. I just know he’s there, like I know I’ve got intestines inside me but I can’t see it. 

I’m not even looking forward to him saving the day, showing up and telling me that I can quit my day job.  If he does that, well and good, but I won’t be counting on it. For now, I’ve just decided to go with the flow and see how long I can take this set up where we’re loaded with work and some “officemates” — just go there to sit pretty and collect their paychecks.


I had a curious thing happen to me last night when I was sleeping. I think I was traveling between timelines because part of it I was awake and part of it, I wasn’t.

All I remember was that the roof of my mouth (the upper palette) was itching tremendously.  My tongue kept scratching it and when the itch wouldn’t go away, I physically put my finger in my mouth to scratch.

It’s the first time that’s happened to me and I have yet to figure what it’s all about.

All I know right now is that I need rest and sleep. Otherwise, my 3D brain won’t work which it needs to.




It’s here! Finally got my new car yesterday.  I spent five hours at the dealership waiting for it to be ready and filling out some paperwork but I was able to bring it home.

She’s beautiful.  For some reason, I feel she’s a girl. I was told to give it a name but I can’t think of anything right now.  Maybe it will come to me.

On the drive home, I still felt incredulous.  I put a bit of gas.  Actually, the reason my thoughts are so choppy is because I think I still can’t believe that a lot of my car related worries will be alleviated.

When I got home, I headed straight to the church to hear mass and to have it blessed.  And my first passenger ever was Father! He was a guest priest who commuted to our parish and needed a ride to where he could hop on a bus.  Of course, I gave him one.  I felt it was an honor that my very first passenger was an emissary of God. It rained on the way too.  And I felt a surge of gratitude that I wouldn’t have to worry about the car conking out whenever there’s rain.

After that, when I got home, it just so happened that my parents were coming out of the gate, getting ready to bring home my nephews and nieces.  I offered to do it in the new car and I am so so grateful to have been given the opportunity to show and tell my parents without any tension.



All the stress of the day before came down at me.  I was out! I slept well, but after a morning of trying to see if I had this document that the bank needed and just rifling through all my documents here  (I couldn’t find it) I slept the whole afternoon as well.

Turns out that the bank never gave me a copy. Pfft.  I asked why the dealer was asking me for my copy and the teller said that sometimes they try to get away with that, but that the bank had already sent them a copy.

Then I also had to get an RFID sticker to enter the village.  If I didn’t have that, I’d have to wait in line (and the queue is often looong) in order to get home.  So that was on top of my list.

And I was so nervous the entire day that my anxiety turned into diarrhea. Talk about a purge.  It’s a welcome change, but it’s still a change.  I’m a creature of habit.  I need to get used to things.



Dreams Coming True


There are butterflies in my stomach right now, which I’ve been choosing to ignore for the past couple of hours by mindlessly scrolling through my FB retail feed hoping to score some really good designer shoes. Yes, I do retail therapy.  For the past months, it’s been tarot cards which shifted to crystals. After that, it was luxury bags, then now, shoes — which really doesn’t make any sense because I have more shoes than I can wear.  I could go through several months without repeating wearing a pair of shoes. Actually, the same goes for clothes.  That is, if there wasn’t a dress code every day.

Competitive shopping, bargain hunting — whatever you call it — it’s like cocaine to me.  I get a high whenever I score.

Anyway, I digress.  I was here to talk about the butterflies.

It is entirely possible that one of my dreams is coming true tomorrow.  I will finally be getting a new car.  My old trusty steed is a bit older than my years as a lawyer.  It was given on my graduating year in law school by my parents. We were rich then.  So it was top of the line, with sunroof and all the enameled borders with lux leather seats. My dad was in power then so it was easy to get vanity plates – my name and birthday.  So you can imagine how difficult it was to give it away.

I was never much for distance driving so it was well kept. Mileage was low.  Well-maintained and all that.  Until my exodus to the US where my series of unfortunate events (the dark *years* of my soul) took place and my car was left with the care of my parents.  Who lent it to my sister and brother-in-law. Who took it places. Far, far, places, carrying the heaviest cargo imaginable (i.e. sound stage equipment) and when I came back after a couple of years, not a thank you from them.  Nothing. In fact, I had to track it down because he (bro in law) left it in some mechanic’s place were it was stored for more than a month because he didn’t have the moolah to “bail it out” and pay for the repairs.

In fact, it was so run down that, initially, I felt shame driving it.  Especially whenever I would get together with my nose-up-in-the-air friends.  If before, I was the “family car” where everyone got to ride because I was so generous with it, I took no passengers because the car was literally crumbling inside.

But I brought it back to life.  That mechanic and his entire family have become close to me.  So much so that if I break down wherever in the city, they come get me and bring me home. They deliver my car after repairs to my house. And I am so grateful to them for keeping my trusty steed alive.

I’m going to miss that car.  I’m still going to keep it.  I tried to sell it once and was told that it didn’t have resale value, lol.  That it was just for personal use; that it was all it was good for.  But that car got me places I needed to go.  I know it’s ailments, how it coughs and sputters, which doors lock and which don’t  (didn’t really worry about getting robbed or carnapped even if some of the doors could just be opened at will because even the carnappers would scoff and pick a better model to nick). I’ve drained its battery to empty so many times because of my “energy spurts”.  And that car has brought me closer to God because every time it rains, I pray like I’ve never prayed before just so that it won’t conk out on the way home. That car was like my “Wilson” on Cast Away.

So I’m crying now as I write this and having mixed feelings. I am so, so grateful that I got to this point when, before, I lived under the premise of “until it gives out” and after that, I’ll make do.  The people around me who know I’m getting a new car are making a big deal out of it. My dad is negotiating his pride that he’s having difficulty getting a new car and has to use one that his “nemesis” lent out to him when I’ll be getting a new one.

I can’t do anything about that.

On my end, I’m glad that it’s come before the rainy season because, seriously, I get so stressed out driving when it starts to rain.  There was a time that the roof leaked into the car even.  Imagine that.  And I plan to fix “her” up once I get my finances in order again.

I feel that this is all part of the “new beginning” in store for me.  Before, it was prophesied that my twin would get me a new car.  And I banked on that.  Prayed that he would come sooner so that I could get a new car faster. Turns out that I had to get it myself. No biggie.  We do what we can in the now.

Okay. Tomorrow’s a big day.  Good night.


My Penance


I’m feeling a bit sad and down today.  I know I haven’t written here in a while, but that’s because I hardly have time to breathe, relax and even meditate.  It’s just one thing to check off on my list of Things To Do after another.

It’s Black Saturday today and while most of my countrymen were either enjoying the break or going on their personal retreat to reflect, I’ve been doing work.  That has been my penance.  Work I didn’t get to do because I was focused on my mission helping Twin Flames find their light and clarity.

I did go to church on the morning of Good Friday hoping to find silence there and meditate in the presence of God, but there was an event there and what I was looking for wasn’t there.  But I started weeping in church and even on the way back to my house. It was like a Tonglen Express Meditation that happened instantaneously.  All I could think of was, “Please. Look within. Your answers are there. You will find GOD there.” And I suppose I was just weeping for all the people who didn’t have the slightest clue and were just going through the motions of religion.

Can’t find my twin either.  I asked him briefly before I went to bed that if he could not be with me in this lifetime, if he could find me a companion for me to feel the 3D badges of love, and to let me know in my dream, but my dream was totally unrelated to that.  I tried holding on to the feathery strings of the dream to remember as soon as I woke, but it was just me in another timeline. Nothing about love nor companionship.

I feel the “Paradox” now.  Of being and not being.  Of being together and yet separate.  Of being one and apart.  This is the Divine Dichotomy.  The fulcrum in the lemniscate that symbolizes infinity, the journey of Twins.

My TF, he is old now. And I am getting it on with the white hairs, too.  I think what makes me sad is that we may not be ready to come into physical union for a long time yet.  It’s like what those fortune tellers I used to go to told me — that everything I have in this life, I will have to work hard for.  Oh, and one also said that I would be a failure in love.  But that’s really not what’s getting me down now.  It’s clipped wings because of all this darned work stuff.  (See? Now that I’ve identified what really is the matter, I felt my vibration shift.) 

Work.  That and the inventory of luxury handbags that I don’t have time to market and sell.  My hoard.  And I see all these online sellers just making money left and right. I suppose that I will get to it in time.  I just have to get work out of the way. And, seriously, that sucks.

I’d love to come into my own knowing but to emphasize the “suckiness” of the situation, I barely have time to meditate.


So all I have is NOW. Just move forward. Whatever happens, keep moving.  If you’re tired; rest a bit, but keep moving.



First off, I apologize for the choppy post.  It’s past midnight and I took a sleeping pill since I need to wake up early tomorrow.

I got some much needed guidance from Jen today.  I actually felt the blocks in my heart clear and get the energy flowing again.

Turns out, my dream about D was important.  Jen said that even my TF’s kids were part of my soul group, and by him “paying his respects” — gosh, I need to change that phrase because that makes me sound like I’m dead — okay, “courtesy call” then, it was an acknowledgement that I was welcome in our soul group.  And, of course, it had to be D, who is a mama’s boy and is naturally opposed to my presence.

Basically, they’re still together, no emotional connection, but more like brother and sister.  However, between this Equinox and this — I forgot the term because really, since we only have two seasons where I live, all the changing seasons thing is actually irrelevant to my existence.  It’s just either sunny or raining. Anyway, whatever it was, it’s going to happen on May 1 — which, to me, is simply Labor Day. That period though — March 20 to May 1 — is set to be a big wave of awakening and recognition of the Divine Masculine of their Divine Feminine counterparts.

If I don’t stabilize in 5D, then he’s not going to “recognize” me.  Jen said I was wobbly right now, which was okay because we get that way sometimes.  I said that much of my frustration was because I was already that way BEFORE the fucking session.  In any case, all water under the bridge.  In order to stabilize in 5D, I have to be in the present, in the NOW and just continue to be thankful — be in a state of gratitude — no matter what 3D presents to me. She said that I had to take the lead because I am the Divine Feminine.  And, really, I should listen to my own readings because that’s exactly what I said also to the collective.

I did tell her about the fire in one of the malls that my TF designed.  And she said that that was an important sign as well.  Their egos are being dissolved by fire, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.  And, again, I said that too in my reading for this week which means I should listen to myself more, lol. She even told me to tell that to the collective and I said that I already did.

As regards the remaining 30% ancestral healing that needs to be done, Jen said that I didn’t need to clear anything anymore; that I had already cleared so much it was unbelievable. And of course, I told her about Linamarie, and she asked if she was a Twin Flame. I said I did see her in other TF boards but since I wasn’t active myself because I was hecka busy, I didn’t really know her.  She was just recommended and I did enjoy my first session with her, so I went for a second.

And, once again, I got advised that I need to get readings from people who vibrate higher than I do. This is the part where the eye-roll comes in. The thing is, I don’t know that until after I get the read.

And since I was pesky and needed validation, I asked her if she was sure that I didn’t need to clear anything anymore.  And she asked me what resonated with me more, her version or Linamarie’s?  I told her that I had already cut karmic cords with my family around three years ago and I was even given a promotion by the karmic board with that crown that they gave me.  And anything that I did after that was already my free will.  I could choose to leave and let them live out the consequences of not spiritually evolving, but I chose to stay.  And I felt that with my presence alone, they are improving and making better choices.

So there.  That’s that.  At least, a huge thorn has been lifted off my chest as regards that ancestral healing thing.

I told Jen that I kind of slid back into 3D mode and went into retail therapy to comfort myself and just kept buying bags.  I think my bag buying spree is over now.  I’m ready to go back to my “other Facebook”. With the exception of those bags that I didn’t quite like when it got to me, the rest are going to be part of my other line of business.

Okay, that’s it.  I need sleep.  Lots of work tomorrow.


And I’m Dreaming of You Tonight


Strange dream after watching (and not finishing) Castaway.  Working on something for the office and so I just picked a movie to play in the background but not really watch.

Well, the entire thing reminded me of my Twin Flame journey.  And the tears kept coming, my chest was hurting, and I didn’t get to sleep until it was about 6am.   And I was wondering if, like in the movie, I should just let him go, or like in Hancock, another movie, I should just try to be happy here with someone else.

When I did get to sleep, I had this strange dream.   I dreamt that I was in the US at my relatives’ house there.  For some reason, D (my TF’s eldest son) and his fiancee were there also.  I wasn’t minding him at first because I didn’t really know him, but later on, he approached me to give “respect”.  He told me that that’s why they were there, but that he actually lived around 3 hours out.  It was something like he was the “advanced party” of his dad.

And he was much smaller than I imagined him to be.  A little smaller than me, even.  I do know that he’s tall, like his father, but in my dream, he was small.

Next scene was that we were on a double date.  That’s the weird part.  He sort of set me up with his friend and even though I was “attached”, it was a different feeling trying to be nice and pleasant to someone new.

No more details of the date, but it seemed we went back to the house afterward and there was a presentation.  And D was being accommodating, pretty much like my cousin when he was here, and he danced with us except he was wearing this striped red and white (big 4 inch stripes, mind you!) sleeveless 20s style bathing suit. Hahaha!  Now, I don’t know where that came from. LOL.

Bag Binging


Confession time.

I’ve been binging on bags. I think I must have bought 30 designer bags in the past month. I think it’s because I feel bad that I’ve gained weight and refuse to buy shoes anymore (I have too much) and refuse to buy clothes because I want to fit into my old ones. Plus, my shoulder is busted and I can’t do burpees anymore. And my twin’s body doesn’t know how to get to me. Hmp.

I have deadlines looming left and right and all I can do is shop online.  What a way to relieve pressure. An expensive way.  Of course, I know this has got to stop and I might have bought my last two bags today — both Balenciagas.

It’s like an utterly useless protest for not being able to fit into my beautiful clothes.


It’s summer here already and the heat is getting to me.  Right now, when I’m supposed to be rushing for a deadline, all I can do is feel lethargic.  I’ve already had a nap because the heat drained me earlier on, and now all I want to do is sleep again.  Maybe I should listen to my body.


Here’s something.

The other day, in my YouTube reading for the Twin Flame Divine Masculine Collective, I said that fire was needed for creation.  Actually, it is needed for destruction THEN re-creation, just like the phoenix rising from its ashes.  I was also ranting about the fact that my twin’s body didn’t know how to get to me.

Well, today, a portion of the mall he designed here in my country caught fire.  And as I was watching the footage and the news, I got really creeped out.  I felt that the Universe was conspiring to bring him to me.  Of course, they’ll have to get that section of the mall up and running again and, depending on the damage, they might have to get him in on the action.  Then, he’ll have to come here.  Of course, that just popped up in my head, but it is entirely plausible.

I even thought to text him about it, but because I was so blehhhh, I didn’t bother.  He’ll find out anyway.  Still and all, I found that kind of creepy.  I said fire was needed for the masculines to create and voila, there’s a fire in the place that my divine masculine created.


Another manifestation story.

Earlier at the office today, my coworker remarked that she didn’t see me carrying dark brown bags.  I told her I was eyeing a dark brown bag but it still wasn’t in my price range.  That’s true though.  I was lusting after a bag in dark coffee — either a Balenciaga or a Chloe Marcie — but they were way off my price range. In other words, I was on the hunt for a good deal.

Just when I was supposed to get to working on my decision, I decide to just scroll through my timeline.  And one of my suppliers just had new stock come in with — drumroll please — the exact Balenciaga bag I was looking for.  So, of course, I got that, plus another one.

So, yes, I know I’m going overboard with the bags and I think I need to go to Bagaholics Anonymous or something.  I think it’s because I feel I’ve been deprived.  But that’s really not the case.  I’ve been deprived of bags because I CHOSE not to buy bags.  I never thought I needed designer bags.  Sure, they’re nice to look at, but I would pay a full year’s tuition for one of them. But, truthfully, I like nice bags.  I used to have a lot of them until the Universe decided to give me my dark night of the soul and I had to sell every one of them for extra pocket money.  And when my family was more fiscally comfortable, those designer/luxury items were taken for granted.  Authenticity cards were just strewn away.  It didn’t matter if the dustbags were mixed up.  They were just dust bags!  Not me, not my mom recognized the value of what we had.

And now, it sounds crazy, but I kind of on a bag rescue mission.  When I see those preloved bags that aren’t loved anymore, I kind of feel sorry for the goat/calf/lamb/python that lost its skin so that it can be made into a bag.  At least, if I get them, I honor their sacrifice because I value the bag. Of course, so that both of us are happy, I have to get it in the color and style I like.

So there.  My bag binge deconstructed.


I do realize that my twin is in the same mental place as I am.  There are things I know I have to do — go back to keto, stop the bag binge, get on the job — and yet, I’m just dragging my butt because I’m not mentally ready to start.  A commenter on my video pointed this out, and I thank her immensely.  Well, she pointed out that he wasn’t mentally ready and I kind of connected the “mirroring” dots together.

I mean, I know I’m going to do it.  And it’s not even a question of “someday”.  It’s like “soon”.


I didn’t get that career move I applied for.  Actually, even after I submitted the requirements, I already knew I didn’t want it.  It was my parents that wanted bragging rights.  So when the letter came, it was a relief.  I didn’t have to prepare for the interview.  I didn’t have to choose between my mission or my work.  And I intuitively knew that it was because I was being prepared for something else where I could do more as a lightworker and Twin Flame.

It’s my mom that’s having the rougher time.  I’ve already told her that the Universe has got something else planned but I don’t think she heard me.

Well, that’s it.  I need to try and read now or maybe go to sleep. Whatever.