I started a new notebook today, because the old one was almost out of pages. My birthday month is over, my bank account nearly depleted because of all the things I’ve been buying left and right, and I have to get back to the fit me.
I was supposed to write out things to do on it, to start the month in proper gear but I drew a blank. I’m scared. Paralyzed. It’s like I have to start life all over again on my own when everyone else is way ahead before me.
Part of me wants to lash out at my twin for being such a slowpoke, but I think I’m ascended enough to know that won’t help any. So the conversation is brought back to Source and there goes my question again — if my free will of how i’ve wanted to live my life during this brief visit on earth was vetoed, what gives? What am I supposed to do? Everyone else is starting a new chapter in their lives. I was supposed to, too. With my twin, who hasn’t arrived yet. And maybe because it’ll be the Fourth of July holiday in the US or something that’s making me antsy or what, but I feel that no matter how that narrative plays out, I have to do something. Move, idiot, move!!!
Unless my life purpose involves basking in unrequited love because unconditional love means continually loving the person regardless.
I can’t keep vascillating between light and dark energies. One moment, I feel blissful and fully merged with my twin in 5D and the next moment, I’m wallowing in desperation and loneliness in 3D. I seriously want to step out of this energy that I’m fearful that everything’s going to come apart at the seams at any given moment. That just makes me a bipolar intergalactic missionary.
I can feel myself withdrawing again from the outside world. I don’t even want to pop into FB to virtually socialize or what. I am truly, truly tired. I want to rest and bask in the energy of love that, for once, isn’t self-generated or accessed. I don’t want to worry about anything anymore, which, I suppose, would only happen if I were dead.
So, really, once again, ad infinitum, where do I go from here? When will I get shown the path? Why am I even here when there is a whole spew of lightworkers doing what they’re supposed to do, giving readings to help others, speaking light language, performing healings, when I’m not doing any of those? How can I even raise the energy of the planet when I suck at raising my own?
Why, God, why?