I expected the Fall Out from yesterday’s almost impulsive decision to send M a message to be dark, dismal, and heavy. Surprisingly, I feel quite the opposite. Unburdened is more like it. In fact, I’m almost giddy with this influx of light and I feel as though I’m radiating God-sent light from the inside once again.
It’s strange and almost counter-intuitive, but I feel like I’m in love.
I’m hoping that this is more than just a momentary high. It’s like I’ve taken a blindfold off and everyone just seems to be more attractive than I’ve cared to notice.
I haven’t felt this happy in a while. I’m even smiling on my own now, surrounded by the usual suspects at the cafe I hang out in. In a way, I feel reborn, and I don’t want to look back. Whenever I start to feel anxious about the future, I remind myself that I have subscribed to the Doctrine of Chill.
Perhaps my destiny in this lifetime is to be like the Bald Man, travelling the world by himself, influencing humanity at a level humanity will fail to understand just by being present at certain situations, always alone, and yet, always in the company of the bright well-lit souls of the galaxy.
If so, then who cares? Not I, says this intergalactic ambassadress. The way I’m feeling right now, if any of these third dimensional beings connive to bring stress and negativity my way, I’d just blast them with the silver platinum ray.
Resistance is futile. I should have heeded Douglas Adams’ words a while back. Now, I feel the energy flowing through me. No blockages, no humps, no dead-ends. And, again, I’m amazed at how the Universe pointed me to this point with seemingly random occurrences – watching Avatar, The Last Airbender, that Reddit thread on Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Devil and the Eight of Swords, and other trivial things that one wouldn’t ordinarily notice that a common thread ran through them.
And this is the way I want to feel by default in the days to come – like a sexy diva that wants to be fucked by attractive testosterone-driven males in a New York minute. It’s the life force going through me, I suppose. Powered by the Source. Booyah!
So chill, girl. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
If M wants to be an idiot, just like the rest of my dysfunctional family, in spite of my efforts to guide him towards the light, then I can’t do anything about that any more.
I’m sort of glad that the message I sent him had a positive ring to it. Prior to that, all the messages I had concocted up in my head, the so-called drafts, were guilt-ridden and manipulative. At least, this last one that I sent, had integrity and truth, and made me faithful to my core. I’m glad that I said I loved him. I’m glad that I greeted him Merry Christmas and meant it.
I still love him. I still wish we could be together in this lifetime as husband and wife. But loving me back is a decision he has to make for himself, and if he’s taking as long as Pluto to finish its day to make up his mind, then I shall be off chilling. Ball is in his court now, if he even realizes that.
There are interesting people to meet and places to explore and discover. If I should meet a man that resonates and vibrates with the same frequency as me, that exceeds any expectations that I had of a life with M, and is willing to go the distance with me, then that’s his lookout and potential loss. We could have held the Universe in our hearts together, if he was in the least bit ready for me. For now, I have to hold it in my heart by myself.